4.30.10. long post...& Hope for Maggie.

i woke up this morning in kind of a tizzy...i kept hitting the snooze button (as usual) and ended up only having about 20 min to get ready before i had to leave for therapy.

at first, my therapy session was all about my appt yesterday at the health center. so concrete focused. all about weight, numbers, etc. my T said "i think we are stuck again.." then she all of a sudden mentioned the word "disappointment" and it opened a WHOLE new door...

i talked about how yesterday i felt like i disappointed Linda and myself. how i felt like i effed up and am not doing recovery "perfectly". this in turn had me thinking about my childhood. as an adopted child, only child, and child of divorced parents, i always felt like the outsider. i remember being very young and always sitting at the adult table. because i didnt have any siblings i related to adults better. hence why i have quite a few of older close friends now. i was EXTREMELY close with two of my cousins (who are now in their 30's) and the three of us were like sisters. yes, the two of them were biologically sisters, but they took me under their wings...i looked up to them and wanted to be just like them. i grew up with a lot of their close friends who are still in their lives today. as of 2008, when i finally opened up about my eating disorder and entered treatment, that all changed...

i drove to philly myself...i told my grandparents the day before my departure that i had an ED and needed help (yes not the best of timing). i packed my car up with my belongings and headed south with nothing but a map and a house address of an older couples house that i could stay at the evening before my admission (renfrew has an agreement with families to take in future clients/families) so it was safe of course.

i remember that drive. it was freeing but terrifying at the same time. i remember crossing the Pennsylvania border and being like "wow, i did this all by myself." i didnt have anyone beside me to hold my hand. i of course had mixed feelings about it. i drove up to the couples house carrying my bag for the night, not knowing what to expect. they opened their arms to me..god bless them. after about an hour of chatting, i went to bed...in a strange house with strange people knowing i was about to face the scariest thing in my life. the older gentleman told me that breakfast was at 7am and there were no options about it. oh goodness...

my alarm woke me up at 6 am as my admission time was 830 am. i went through my normal routine of getting ready including hair and makeup and trotted downstairs for 7 am. breakfast was made for me...i can specifically remember it. 2 friend eggs with 2 pieces of toast and a glass of orange juice. my mind was racing...was he kidding? i am going into treatment for an eating disorder and he expected me to eat ALL of this??? in the past 9 years i had avoided anything like this...he set the table with 2 settings (very formal). i cannot remember the last time my mom and i had dinner at the table..we always prepared our plates and ate while watching TV. as the perfectionist i am, i ate it all despite the discomfort. i wanted to please him. he was almost military-like and wanted things just as they were..i was in his house so i felt as if i had to comply.

8 am came and his wife came downstairs to greet me. she was such a sweet woman. caring, kind, and compassionate. she had even printed out directions for me to get to renfrew from their house (even though it was 10 min away) and hugged me as i was on my way uttering the words "good luck". i arrived at renfrew in my car filled with my belongings. i walked into the manor house scared beyond belief to meet with one of the admissions coordinators. i cannot tell you how many times i was asked that day if family came with me. i quietly replied "no, its just me.." because normally new patients arrive with at least one family member. i was not the norm.

that was the beginning of my residential treatment. i wont go into all of it as it is a long journey...5 weeks to be exact.

however, my T brought up a lot today about that day. she actually acknowledged my courage in this difficult time in my life, which i only got while i was at renfrew. i never received acknowledgment outside of the "bubble" for facing this head on BY MYSELF.

i look back on that time and often wonder where is that courageous fearless girl? where is that person that wanted to conquer this disease head on no matter what people thought/said? i think right now i am very hopeless, but my T is holding on to that hope because i cannot at this point in time, which she reiterates.

for those of you from my frew crew, you probably have seen my video update on Saint Judes...so no more needs to be said..

for the rest of you, i am trying my hardest right now. tonight at work i packed a meal that was proportionate to where i am at in my recovery. unfortunately, my body disagreed and rejected it (unintentionally). it is almost like renfrew all over again. for the first 2 1/2 weeks of my stay, i struggled with keeping my food intake down, and at that point in my disorder i was only using behaviors as restricting and exercise. its called the re-feeding syndrome (which i am sure most of you are familiar with). tonight i realized that my body is in survival mode. it is extremely confused. one moment it is being nourished the next it is being deprived of nutrients. so of course when a certain amount of calories more than it is used to is introduced it is going to freak. in order to be successful i need to space my meals/caloric intake throughout the day instead of in a certain amount of time. i think that is what happened today. i waited until i was at work to introduce food because i woke up late. i need to think of it as if i was PHP. breakfast at 8, snack at 1030, lunch at 1230, etc. that way my body will get used to consuming food on an interval basis..not sporadically.

i will be honest, right now i am not restoring weight for ME, lisa..but hopefully as i restore weight, my thinking will become clearer and i will realize that i am more than my anorexia. i am lisa. a beautiful, bright, strong woman who deserves everything in this world. i know that one day i will see all of the things you wonderful people do..until then i am fighting and havent given up...my white flag is not hanging, so there is hope..

i apologize this post is so long..but i hope you appreciate my honesty..

love you with every ounce of my being,

lis

p.s. please visit Hope for Maggie... my dear dear friend is fighting for her life...she deserves to live life to its fullest....every penny counts. <3