hello my lovely dolls...i wish, so wish, i could be writing that i am doing well in recovery. but that would be a lie..
today has not been the best of days. i woke up around 10 am and was extremely tired. i am finding that i am not sleeping as well as i should be. it takes me forever to fall asleep and i wake multiple times during the night. i did my normal routine of getting ready and had my weekly appt at the health center @ 1130 am. [joy.]
i got there and they took my vitals. surprisingly my BP was better 138/92. then it was time to get weighed. and guess what...i lost :/ i thought i was doing so well, i guess not. this past week has been difficult with my period and what not. i tried my best, but i guess it wasnt enough..
the director of the health center is concerned and thinks that we need to go off campus for more intense intervention aka treatment. my leg was going up and down the entire time i was in her office. i was extremely anxious and i didnt really speak, which for me is unusual. she said that maybe i had an "off week" and if she strictly stayed with the contract i would be on a medical leave that instant. but she is giving me until next week to show a weight gain...otherwise off campus i go. ughh. this is so much pressure. i feel like there is no wiggle room and i need to be the "perfect" compliant patient.
i have gotten to my fear weight and i am freaking out. my clothes arent as loose and i honestly am having such body image issues. i also have had a lot of personal issues going on which may be a contribution to my loss. she kept reinforcing that my BMI is dangerously low...its 16.5? which i know isnt healthy but it isnt as DANGEROUS compared to where i was 2 months ago at 15.
i know i need to get it together and eat the proper amount..its just so much easier said than done. i constantly have negative thoughts running through my head and as my weight increases, so does my anxiety. it seems to be a never ending cycle.
i have also noticed that my substance use has increased over the weeks in order to manage and cope with these feelings. no bueno. even my roomie commented today when she walked in my room and looked at the trash bag full of empties "holy empties, batman". i immediately became ashamed and put my head down. i felt like she was judging me.
i dont know. right now i am a complete and utter hot mess. i am so heated that i want to punch something..but im not a violent person lol. i feel like springfield college is ruining my life...even my roomie agreed saying "linda is ruining your life. everytime you have an appt with her you come home depressed and upset". i know that this time i essentially blew the whistle on myself and my eating disorder is hating me for it.
to top my day off, i was skypeing with my best friend of like forever and she has been stressed over the past couple of months and has lost weight (she doesnt have an ED) and she was like "oh my god, why do my collarbones stick out like that?" and kept focusing on them and sticking them out purposely. i was like "really? really? youre triggering me massively." she didnt understand why but later apologized. after that i was a goner. i started getting angry, short tempered, and bitchy.
im sorry for being such a DD (debbie downer) but i need to vent. massively.
love you to the moon and back,
lis
heyyy girl.
ReplyDeletei'm sorry today was rough. i wish i had some better advice. tbh, personally i think it sucks and is demeaning to have the campus after you like that.. it works differently in canada (i needed a medical note to certify my ability to return, but they never booted me off campus). and from what i've heard from my american friends is that kind of restriction of freedom and policing doesn't help any. you said it yourself a few entries back that you can just see yourself relapsing in the future. (not that the way you feel now is the way it will be, especially because right now is when you are *actively in the ed*..)
but i'm just thinking..
could you possibly transfer elsewhere? not that running away from help is the solution, but it doesn't seem to be helping you to be in that environment.
yes, your weight is better but don't let the ED fool you: it's still dangerously low and i'm not surprised you have (starvation induced) anxiety at the moment. :/
so maybe you could transfer to another school once you are healthier?
do IOP or something until next fall?
anyway, i'm here if you want to talk. i hope my reply wasn't unhelpful (!) / i'm not sure how helpful it was but i'm just typing as i think here, heh.
xox
--janie
You know that ED lies to you... a BMI of 16.5 IS dangerously low. 15 is also dangerous. And depending on the person, and where you are at that moment in time, you may be more at danger now than even when you were 15. The body works in mysterious ways.
ReplyDeleteI KNOWW it sucks to have to gain weight. I know you're feeling anxious and have bad body image, and only time will change that. But you don't want to get kicked out of school, do you? Or do you maybe want some time off? I understand that actually eating the calories is easier said than done, but you are reaching out to your team because you WANT to get better right? and you know that if you don't gain weight you're going to get kicked out. If you didn't want to get better I don't think you would be reaching out to your team, because you know the consequences; getting kicked out.
So you just have to remember that for motivation. Do your roommates or friends help you out at all? Like of course you have such a support system via skype, fb, phone etc. from the frew crew + others. But Someone helping you be accountable in real life is probably good. You don't have to do this by yourself. And by that I mean during the time you aren't meeting with your team.
It does make me nervous that you have no "wiggle room" because it's like gain weight NOW or you're out. And I think making you feel punished for being sick or making you just want to fake it to be compliant is not a good way to go about it. But at the same time, I am really worried about you. Like physically speaking you know love? So I see why they are so insistent. Maggie is soso sick, idk if you were reading maya and eliza's journals recently concerning the hand thing and er visit. But the human body can only take so much. I know you this! I just want you to feel it you know? Which I know is hard to do about yourself. But if maya or eliza or maggie had written this, wouldn't you be soso worried about their health? You would want them to gain weight so badly just so they could be out of a danger zone. That's what I want for you, because I love you, and I don't want anything to happen to you.
Think of all the people you are meant to help in the mental health field. You have so much insight, compassion, and knowledge, but you won't be able to put it to use if you are too sick.
P.S. Don't ever feel bad about venting! I love you Lisa and I think about you soo often.
<3