4.27.10

i know earlier i said i had nothing to report on, but of course, that suddenly changed...

i feel like no matter what i do i disappoint my family. i recently made a decision to get a new piercing and i have to tell mamadukes obviously. she wont be a happy camper. she hated when i got my nose pierced and my recovery tattoo. i told my aunt about my new addition and she was like "dont piss her off before the party on saturday". saturday we are having a 60th wedding anniversary party for my grandparents. i figured it would be best to tell my mom a few days before the party so she would have time to process it and chill out rather than walk into the house and her have a meltdown. my aunt disagreed...

i told my aunt my idea and she finally decided i should tell my mom tomorrow night after work but around 5 pm because if i tell her too late she will be upset and not able to sleep. seriously? i am an adult. i am 22 years old. i should be able to make my own decisions whether it is about my health, school, finances, or what i put on my body. i feel like i have to be "perfect" for my family and they hold high expectations for me. maybe that is why i have rebelled so much the past couple of years with piercings, tattoos, and going to renfrew against my family's wishes. i almost feel like the "black sheep" of my family. the profoundly and irreversibly screwed up one. i feel like i am treated so differently than everyone else. i had some family members stop talking to me for a good amount of time for going on psych meds as well as going to treatment. which is so effed up...i was doing something good for myself and yet they saw it as bad and were ashamed of it.

i was excited about my new addition. i have wanted it for awhile now and went with a good friend of mine to get it done. now i feel like i did something wrong almost like a child does when they do something "bad". i know that when i walk in the house on saturday i am going to get all sorts of judgment from my family...i almost feel like not showing up but i have to. its their 60th anniversary. it would kill my grandparents if i didnt show even though i have to work until 7. i dont know.

why do i feel the need to please everyone especially my family? why do i feel like what i want is always less important than what people think about me? i guess that is partially what my eating disorder is about. wanting to be perfect and not have any flaws. have the "perfect" body, almost childlike with no curves. which ultimately is sad, because who wants to look like they are 14??

i guess i have to suck it up and just deal with how mamadukes is going to react. i know she is not going to be happy. my aunt was like "if i did that my parents would take away my car". but in reality i am now financially independent and i essentially am paying for my car. so it wouldnt be right for her to take it away. a friend of mine put it this way "i already have an eating disorder...what could be worse? i cant die from a piercing or tattoo..but i can die from an ed". so true.

and so it is . . .

hope you are having a great tuesday my lovebugs.

lis