round five.

disclaimer: this post is rather lengthy. so i apologize beforehand...

guess where i landed myself? if you guessed treatment you would be the million dollar winner. round 5. lordy. here is how it all went down...

i had my weekly appt at the health center last friday. and as you remember from my previous post if there was a weight decrease i would be referred to a treatment program. i increased my food intake a few days prior to insure i would be all set for my weigh in. i wasnt prepared for what was coming my way...

i stepped onto the scale in my hospital gown. 2.5 lbs loss. what??? how could this happen? i was working my tooshie off. i knew how my meeting with linda was going to go and that is no bueno. i walked into her office terrified. she explained that there had been a weight loss and that we had been prolonging this long enough. she said she was going to call my T to consult with her and then get back to me with the decision. have i mentioned how much i loathe waiting? my anxiety began to skyrocket and panic set in. i just started my internship and this would put me back. i went home and pulled the covers over my head trying not to face the world. before i knew it my alarm went off at 3 pm- time to go to work and still no word.

i didnt receive a phone call from linda until 430. the decision you ask? i needed to go back to treatment. i was at work so i couldnt show any emotion...you have to check your emotions at the door. the rest of that night is a complete blur.

i called walden the next day to set up an eval for monday. i kept saying "this isnt happening". now i had to tell mamadukes but she went to maine for the weekend so i decided not to tell her until she arrived back. the weekend was full of work and ED was rearing his ugly head while he was still allowed to. because we both knew that at least PHP was going to be needed.

my eval was for 10 am but i had to get labs done beforehand at cooley dick. it was hard to get up that morning knowing that my fate was going to be decided in only a few hours. i went and got my labs done. the lady tore my arm up. i look like i have been shooting dope. i walked into waldens doors at 10:05. this place is all too familiar. nothing has changed in 10 months.

i met with the clinical director and it was decided that partial was the level of care needed based upon my weight and the severity of my restricting. i would start the next day (and i couldnt refuse). i wasnt shocked by the level of care. i just couldnt believe i was doing this again. i went home and sent me supervisor at my internship an email vaguely explaining the situation. i gave her the dean of students' phone number as well as my advisors number. i decided for the rest of the day/night i would be a lump under my pink blanket since my life was going to drastically change in less than 24 hours..

6 am is way too early. i got ready and packed my brekkie and lunch and headed off to program. my weight and vitals were taken and brekkie was at 830. i wont bore you with details of program except for this one. for the first time i was told i am on exercise restriction because of my weight and bmi. i cannot go for walks outside or participate in yoga. what?!?! i immediately got heated and started dissing the staff in my head. it was ed who was mad at them, not Lisa. so until further notice i cannot participate in yoga (i have to stay in the treatment room while they participate. i am actually writing this as they are in group). i am the only anorexic as of right now. the other two clients are bulimic and i feel so different from them. segregated. especially with this exercise restriction. almost like i did something "bad" and am being punished. it seems very punitive or like i am "too ill". my eating disorder isolates me from the rest of the world and this is just another example.

i am in this small room by myself plugged into my ipod. just me and my thoughts. hence why this is rather lengthy. i hate down time where i focus on ruminating thoughts. this is where ed usually comes in or he brings along his friends. but right now i need to surf the urge wave and simply sit with these uncomfortable feelings. breathe.

right now i am having a hard time adjusting to treatment. i am constantly full and am easily triggered (there have been 3 instances of this in the last 24 hours). i am ambivalent as usual about recovery and i joke that i am a "frequent flyer" at this facility. it's not funny. humor is how i deal with the shame and guilt of coming back for a 3rd time.

i am trying my hardest to be compliant and work the program. i just need to take it one day, one meal, one moment at a time.

i will leave you with this my beautiful friends:

keep fighting. you are worth it. because life is too precious to play russian roulette.

love love love

lis