happy solstice.

today marks the summer solstice. the beginning of a new season. some often say that on this longest day of the year it appears that the sun does not move because the arc in the sky is so high...it is an absolutely gorgeous day. the sun shining. not a cloud in the sky. temperature around 90 (okay, so a little too hot).

today i was in a good mood. i had to be in program for 8 am for weights and vitals. and to my surprise when i awoke i felt rested, despite having about 4 hours of sleep. we had brekkie at 830 (per usual) and then weekend review/goal setting group at 930. this group really had my brain active and processing many things. we came up with a list of things that we can set goals around: behaviors, cognitions, reactions to feelings, and relationships. here is our list.

Behaviors:

• ED behaviors
• looking at old pictures
• body checking
• trying on old clothing
• web searches
• looking at media images
• asking for other people's opinions about our appearance

Cognitions:

• negative self-talk
• weight loss preoccupation
• perfectionism
• the ED voice
• comparing oneself to others
• cognitive distortions

Reactions to feelings:

• ignoring
• overreacting

Relationships:

• secrecy
• enmeshment
• spiteful/rebellion
• using your eating disorder as a way to communicate
• looking for approval
• lying
• isolation
• control
• cry for help
• self punishment

the two that i picked out to focus on for the week were to reduce body checking (weighing myself, measuring, looking and feeling my bones in particular areas, looking at old pictures) and working on my issues with enmeshment. i have a tendency (especially with certain people) to become very enmeshed. as if we are one. i feel what they feel. i take on their feelings and often want to fix them. but i can only be responsible for how i feel. i cannot take ownership for their feelings. only they can.

after lunch my clinician wanted to check in with me. the team decided that i can participate in yoga and therapeutic walks. YAY!!!! they have seen a progress in weight restoration and reviewed my weight history throughout my times in treatment and decided that my goal weight was not reasonable. so they scaled it down to be more realistic which puts me in the healthy range. i was very happy. but sad at the same time. i was filled with joy because i can participate in yoga but at the same time my eating disorder was telling me i was no longer sick or sick enough. i was now just like everyone else in the group. such conflicting thoughts...

anyways...

the theme of our yoga practice was the summer solstice. hence why i started this post with that. our teacher talked about the practice of ananda (AH-nan-duh). this means playfulness or delight. as children we are carefree and playful and as we get older, we become more serious. some individuals as they grow older become more serious. but there are those cute elderly people who get silly as they age. and thats what we all want, right? to be carefree and happy. our practice today was about being playful with our body. it is like our very own jungle gym. there to enjoy, explore, and see how it can move. this statement particularly stuck with me because i often dont appreciate what my body can really do for me. i focus on the negative and criticize my flaws rather than embracing the fact that my body allows me to do many different things. i really enjoyed our yoga session, as i do every time i do yoga with amy (she is a phenomenal teacher). i felt rejuvenated and relaxed after. it was much needed.

i left program with a smile on my face and embracing the summer solstice...with a new appreciation of the practice of yoga.

love you my beautiful friends,

lis