hey dolls. i am currently at work being bored so i figured i would post.
yesterday was a rough one for me with it being the anniversary of my aunt's passing (see previous post). i slept until noon because i didnt want to deal with life. i just wanted to stay a lump under my pink blanket and not face the world. but i knew i had to. so after about 45ish minutes later i got my tooshie out of bed and began cleaning my room. man it looked like an atomic bomb went off in there! cleaning for me is so therapeutic. its something productive and healthy that i can do. and i love to organize. again, ocd.
i then ran some errands and debated whether to go out for st. pattys festivities. i was feeling so blah all day and i knew that if i went out i wouldnt have any fun and i would be susceptible to putting myself in a bad situation. so instead i went to the serenity club for a meeting at 7. however, i couldnt really focus. we read a chapter out of the book and had a discussion. my mind kept wandering. to where you ask? to anywhere but where i was. i couldnt be in the present moment. the here and now. ed kept coming in and out of my head and whispering sweet nothings in my ear. i went home and curled up back in bed and watched some tv until i fell asleep.
today was not such a good day either. to start off, i turned my alarm off in my sleep. i tend to do that. and its ACROSS THE ROOM so i obviously have to get up to turn it off but i do it while i am asleep and dont even know it. i had therapy at 1 and i legit woke up at 1225 and was like f***. i shouldve left the house 10 mins before that. so i rushed around like a crazy person and left my house in an anxious tizzy at 1233. and with my luck of course there was a ton of construction on the highway. i ended up being late. my T called me asking if i was coming because i am never late. its not like me to be late or not show up. if youre on time, youre late is my motto.
my T is so understanding she was like "well what happened cuz you were late? nothing. i couldve gotten pissed but i didnt. so you lose 10 minutes of talking time. big deal". that made me feel better. i dont really remember our whole sesh. its all a blur. my memory isnt so good these days. i suppose its lack of nutrition? i was a little upset that i lost 10 min because there was something i wanted to talk about but now it has to wait til next week. *sigh*
overall i am just..i dont know :/ i am in such a funky state of mind lately and its weird because i am actually being compliant with my meds. i know i havent been doing well lately and people have expressed their concerns to me. i know what i have to do but it is just so damn hard. i often cant imagine life without my ed. its too scary. i have been anorexic since 12? or so. its all i know. and to leave me exposed like that is just too painful. but at the same time if i am not putting fuel in the engine it will seize up. and the last thing i want to do is end up in the hospital or IP. so i am conflicted. my sick mind is so loud and fierce and the healthy part of me is dwindling.
i did sign a release today for my T to speak with my counselor at school. that way they can be in communication and see what we can do as a team that will be the most beneficial for me. cuz you know whats weird? no one is my team talks to each other. ive filled out releases and they dont speak to each other. thats not how it should be. but whatever.
sorry im such a debbie downer tonight....
but on a good note: the weather is getting nicer! i love spring/summer. i have already busted out my flippy floppies.
hope you all are having a splendid evening.
love love love
lis
No comments:
Post a Comment