hey dolls! i dont know if you have noticed but i posted a couple of times in the last couple of days and then took them down. they werent exactly the nicest of posts =/
today is the last day of my spring break and its back to school for me tomorrow. iiick. all i did on my spring break was work, but i didnt mind. i love my job. at times it can be rather triggering especially when one of my residents makes comments about my appearance. she always says "youre so tiny and petite". and i just grin and say thank you. that makes ed happy (of course!)
today was quite the stressful day. mamadukes came up and we went looking for a car. and oh boy was my anxiety high at the dealership. my mom kept saying i looked like i was about to burst into tears. we found a really nice car but it is really pricey $$. 15,000 to be exact. yikes! its a 2007 nissan altima and has the new intelligence key..it is a button to start the ignition! my mom and i put a deposit down on the car and have 48 hours to decide. we looked at my budget and it is going to rather tight with a car payment. not much wiggle room. i test drove it and let me tell you i was so nervous especially with my track record of crashing cars.
the pretty pretty car.
as i am thinking about this big purchase it is creating so much anxiety, especially surrounding my ed. if i end up getting it, then i absolutely CANNOT get sick. i wont be able to afford to money or time wise. and i cant predict the future. i dont know what is going to happen in a month, 6 months, or even a year from now. so knowing the thought that i will have no choice but to put my big girl pants on and kick my eating disorder goodbye is so scary. yes, i want to be healthy, but my eating disorder almost keeps me locked into being a child. i think that is why i hold onto my anorexia so tightly. because if i am sick, i am taken care as if i am a child...as of late i have been saying "being an adult is too hard. i want to go back to being a kid." i think i have peter pan syndrome. hehe. also, this is a BIG transition for me. i have had a lot of transitions and changes in my life within the past year and i do not do well with change. whatsoever.
anyways...
eating for me has been so...blah. not good but not bad either. i am suffering with really bad body image and comparing myself to others. ed is saying "you arent sick enough. you arent a good enough anorexic because you dont weigh XX lbs like that person". wow, that sounds really irrational, doesnt it? who wants to be a good anorexic??? because a good anorexic is a DEAD one. i have slipped in the past month or so (as you can tell by my posts) and got to my lowest weight again. ughhh. i dont know why i just cant beat this thing. i have been in and out of treatment 4 times. and i always relapse. i havent really branched out my eats. ive actually been restricting my variety more so. i find myself in the store looking towards more organic foods. i dont know...orthorexia starting..non? my roommate always makes fun of my larabars and calls them "birdseed" hehe. but they are oh so yummy!
on a better note...the weather has been gorgeousss. my face even got tan because i was sitting out at work for the past two days. yay i am not going to pastey white for too long!
i dont know what else i have to say that wont make me sound like i am whining or complaining. so i hope you lovies have a fabulous evening!
love you to the moon and back
lis
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