deja vu

have you ever had an experience with deja vu? well i am experiencing that now. & it is not fun. not at all. last week in T i signed a release for my T and my counselor at school to speak. in no way, shape, or form did i think that any of this was going to happen...

i found out i think two days ago that they spoke and they decided something needed to be done since i have been steadily declining. they both agreed that my PCP is clueless about eds and that the director of the health center needed to get involved (again!) that is where the deja vu part comes in. last spring i was forced to take a medical leave by the college because i was deemed a "liability" and a "medical risk". i spent 4 months in tx (PHP and IOP) while attending school and catching up on my work so i could graduate in may. let me tell you, it was hell. i was backed into a corner. more like my eating disorder was and he didnt like it. i had to agree with all aspects of tx and make progress in order to graduate. that meant restore weight. which we all know is the scariest thing in the world to do.

so now i am finding myself in the same situation. i was told today that i need to be medically monitored by the director of the health center. ed literally went ballistic. i began yelling at people i care about and saying harsh things. words i never thought i would utter. it didnt matter what i was saying, as long as i won..even if i was wrong. i was looking to pick a fight. any fight because i wasnt going down without one. i wasnt going to sit there and be subordinate this time. so lets just say it wasnt pretty. & i took it out on one of the people who has been by my side through it all. while i was in the conversation on the phone i was looking for anything he said to pull apart and disagree with. deep down i knew everything he was saying was right and that he was looking out for my best interest. but ed kept saying "they are ruining your life. they are just going to make you gain weight and get fat" when my eating disorder is backed into a corner, it rears its ugly head BIG TIME. everyone is wrong and it is always right. everyone is always an enemy and "out of get me" or "doesnt like me". but that is my eating disorders distortions...it wants me to believe all of these and i have been.

in my rational mind, i know that i need to restore weight. i am not healthy at a 15 bmi. i am beginning to have aches and pains (possibly to do with kidneys) and i missed my period this month which NEVER happens. and my memory is that of a fish. but of course ed says "well if you are functioning at this weight, you can stand to lose more" even when people are calling me out on it.

my T yesterday shared with me my admission and discharge weights from the past few times in tx. and boy, ed ran with that. was like "see how far you are from that. youve done well. now just keep it up" or "oh my god, you were so fat then. see what they did to you?"

i hate giving up the control i have or the sense of control. i hate people making decisions for me that push my eating disorder farther and farther away. it is so scary to imagine life without i

t. at this point, it is all i have and i think that is why i am not going down without a fight. it is the friend and confidant that hasnt left my side. the one who has comforted me when everyone else has left my side.

i am flipping back and forth between my sick mind and Lisa. my sick mind is like "ok, just tell them everything they want to hear and do X, Y, & Z to manipulate them". but my healthy mind says "look at everything you have worked for and towards. look at everything you could lose in an instant". it is a constant war in my head. and i dont know who is going to win. ultimately i know that i cannot stay at this weight and remain a student at springfield college. they will not let me. and i know they are doing this for my best interest but then the disordered part of my brain thinks they are only looking out for themselves and their image/name.

ok..i know none of this is making any sense at all. i am just going to stop because i have confused myself over here and have been massively triggered today. thank goodness i have plans with a really good friend from home. i just hope i dont make bad choices AFTER that.

*le sigh*

p.s. here is my new baby. i pick her up in the eh em. meet bella <3

love you dolls