running into ourselves

i have always been interested in substance abuse whether it is my own or helping out others. i completed an internship at a local prison on the substance abuse unit in my undergraduate studies. i love watching shows such as intervention (i am addicted to the addiction show) =P, hoarders, and the new show addicted on TLC.

i am now very into the show addicted. this woman who is an alcoholic and recovering drug addict is now a certified interventionist who helps addicts and their families. its very inspiring. well, i came across her blog, which i can completely relate to. so i figured i would share it with you.

you may not have a problem with abusing substances, as i do, but i like to use the model that eating disorders are an addiction as well and the process of recovery is very similar.

Why Change is Painful

"Achieving significant positive change is one of the most difficult things to undergo in life, whether someone is an addict or not. Honestly, change is terrifying to all of us. It’s part of the human condition to be afraid of change, and people resist it, which sometimes leads to death, or sometimes worse, a life of unfulfilled.

The process of change is terribly uncomfortable and painful; giving up old ways of thinking and being and challenging ideas and old beliefs is difficult and terrifying. The change process is a continual readjustment of the mind and the way we think about ourselves. If I change, I will see everything and everyone around me differently; if others in my life don’t change as well, then the relationship becomes like babysitting. When change occurs, everything in a person’s life shifts.

What if I actually could live sober? Have a job? Pay rent? Marry? Have children? What if I could live the life I had dreamed of? If I dared to move toward the life I deserve, then I must grieve the life I have left and learn a whole new way of being in the world. The very foundation on which I built my belief structure and existence shatter, and a new way of thinking must be born. This is “hitting bottom.” It’s the place every addict needs to reach.

Addicts need to run into themselves. Addicts need to be allowed to come to the jumping off place where the realization sinks in that “If I can continue to drink/use I will die, and if I don’t drink/use, I will die.” It’s in this place of absolute hopelessness that addicts can then reach outside themselves for help. It’s the birth place of self-esteem.

Mine came on the floor of a homeless shelter at the age of 21. I was beaten, raped, lost, broken and hopelessly addicted. I had pushed everyone out of my life that ever mattered to me. I had no family, or friends, life, dreams; I had nothing but raging addiction. I planned on being so much more. The last thought I had before I closed my eyes to die was how sad my mom would be that it ended this way.

I did not die. I did stumble from the homeless shelter, at that jumping off place, rock bottom. I couldn’t fathom life addicted, and I couldn’t fathom life not addicted. It was in that place -- stuck between the two worlds of addiction and sobriety -- that I asked for help. I haven’t had a drink since. That was 16 years ago.

Addicts need to run into themselves. The challenging part is that the very thing addicts need is the one thing their families are most afraid of -- letting go -- because the truth is, some addicts don’t survive the bottom, and families can’t save them from that.

The greatest gift you can give an addict in your life is to let go -- completely. Families need to allow their addict to fall, to back up out of trying to control the disease, and allow their beloved to be as sick as they are; it’s only then that the addict stands a chance of seeing the truth of their lives. And change, only that point, will be possible." -Kristina Wandzilak

i found this bloggie extremely helpful and insightful. i often talk about how my bottom is a bottom less pit. maybe it is because i have had so many people there to save me who have no let me run into myself. Kristina says in an interview:

"As long as there was someone left in my life to blame I was not going to take responsibility for my addiction....and my running into myself is what we call 'hitting bottom'. It's when the addict runs into themselves and theres no where else to look but at us"

stay strong and keep fighting.