two years. two years since i saw her face, held her hand, and told her that i loved her. two years ago today was when my aunt kathi passed away from breast cancer. she fought a long fight and she was the strongest woman i know.
my aunt was always very supportive (especially during those crazy teenage years) and i could always IM her when i was feeling down. she constantly reminded me that the things that occurred in my past were not my fault and that i was worth something. she gave me hope. faith. she herself struggled through years of sobriety and other issues stemming from her childhood, so she knew where i was coming from.
my family (dad's side this is) all lives in long island and my cousin kept me updated on my aunt's status until i could arrive on the island. she said that my aunt kept asking for me saying "lisa...lisa..wheres lisa".
i remember the last day i saw her so vividly. she was in hospice and she didnt even look like herself. she was on prednisone for months, and i mean months, which made her blow up like a balloon. she was in and out of sleep. we were only allowed to go into the room 2 people at a time, to not disturb her. it was my mom and my turn to go into the room. i hate hospitals. they make me uncomfortable, scared, and i never know what to say. but this was one of the hardest things i ever had to do. i remember holding her hand with tears running down my cheek. just assuring her that i was there. our time was up. we had to say our final goodbye. i kissed her on the cheek and told her that i loved her with all of my heart. i then put up my most recent picture on the bulletin board full of pictures from my other family members.
and that was the last time i saw my precious angel...
a few days later she passed away. i remember trying to prepare myself for her death but i couldnt prepare myself enough for when i was to hear the news. my heart immediately sank. i cried. i felt helpless. my mom and i drove back to the island for her funeral. i couldnt hold back tears through the entire service. it was the first time i ever saw my dad cry.
death is one of my greatest fears and i try to avoid funerals and wakes as much as possible. but i couldnt avoid this one. i had to face it head on. at the cemetery we were all given a rose. i placed my rose on top of her coffin and told her "i love you".
that was two years ago. its so hard to imagine she has been gone for so long. but not a day goes by that i dont think of her.
wow, i am drained from writing all of that. maybe i will update you dolls later on how i am doing at another time.
sweetest of dreams
lis
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