failure & success

hello dolls. today was my last day of MAP training aka so i can be the "med passer-outer" at my job. it was 3 grueling days loaded with information and taking sample tests. i cannot be certified until i take the test at the red cross in like 4-6 wks. the training was supposed to go to 330 everyday but she let us out early. & today she let us out at 1130. woohoo!

i was driving through eastbumfuck of belchertown when i realized that i would be able to make the noontime meeting at the serenity club (AA). since i hadnt gone to a meeting in 2 days and have been struggling to stay sober i decided to go. and let me tell you i am grateful i got my butt there..

one thing that resonated with me that i have heard my T say is that "we are not afraid of failure. we are afraid of success". we all think that failing at something is the end of our world and that we are not good enough but when in reality we are afraid of succeeding in life and making something of ourselves. anorexia has done that for me. it has kept me in my little bubble, isolated all by myself, where i continue to struggle, make bad decisions, and be sick. because what will happen if i nourish myself, meet new people, or try something new? we dont know. and my anorexia makes me scared of that unknown. so it keeps me in the familiar.

i have turned my life around 180 degrees in the past few weeks regarding a job and staying sober. but there is a comorbidity piece with my substance abuse and my eating disorder. my drinking could be good but ed is bad. or my ed is good and my drinking is bad. there has never been a time where they have been in equal balance. its either one or the other. and while i am now 18 days sober, my ed is rearing its ugly head and i feel like i am failing. but my T (who i adore) reminds me that i cant work on everything all at once. i need to acknowledge that i am

doing a lot of hard work and in a sense by being sober i AM working on my eating disorder.

i have definitely been struggling since i got sober and i am lucky to have friends to lean on when i cannot stand on my own two feet. i am forever grateful for them.

well i am off to take a snooze sesh because i am exhausted.

what my adorable roommate left for me on my notes in class while i went to the bathroom<3

love you to the moon and back

lis