bargaining

today is sunday funday. mamadukes came up to visit me so we could look for a car. if you didnt know i got into a little accident and totaled my car. RIP. we went to about 3 or 4 dealerships and found nothing in our price range. my ONLY requirement is it is standard. is that so much to ask for?

well anyways, after we went to the first dealership my mom said, "if i buy you this car you cant tell me in 6 months that you need to go to treatment. that just isnt fair" okay so i understand that she would be shelling out the $ for this car (i would pay her back with

monthly payments) but its not really fair to me to say that i cant be sick if it happens. its almost like a she is bargaining with me. i can have a car and no treatment or treatment and keep her old clunky car. yuuuuck. ed does enough bargaining for me as it is. you can eat this but you cant have that. well if you eat that you need to do X amt of exercise.

i was quite anxious after lunch, as i usually am. but i ate which is good. more than i can say for some days. we continued on our venture looking for a car and it was an epic fail. it is getting so frustrating that i cannot find a car. and i only have a month to do so before my grandparents come home from FL since my mom is using their car. its like im crunched for time. and when i am in a situation like that my mind starts racing, i get so anxious, and its all i think about (kind of like food).

i have an appt with my T tomorrow (thank goodness). she and i usually only cover content and i want to begin to start processing things. we have been together for about 8 or so months and we havent really dug down to the reasons why my eating disorder began. or why i restrict my calories. which is obviously something i want to work on. so maybe i will challenge myself to talk about one serious topic tomorrow. just one. i dont have to work on everything all at once.

anyhoo...

i took a look at my budget today (since we were looking for cars) and even

with this full time job, i dont have much extra money left. i will make about 1600 without taxes taken out and my budget is about 800-900 a month. eeeeek! and come may i may have to move to part time in order to fit my internship in. i almost feel like i have taken on too much. i cant handle being an adult. it has me so anxious its ridiculous. im terrified beyond belief. im afraid i will make the wrong decisions. i find comfort in being cared for and my anorexia lets that happen. because if i am unable to feed and nourish myself then someone else has to make sure i do. i am still like a 12 year old little girl. because eating disorders keep you emotionally stuck at the age your disorder began. i am 22 but yet i am terrified to have so much responsibility. i always say "life was so much easier when we were 5"

here is an eat from work. a new kind of larabar for me to try. & boyyy. was it yummi. tasted like an almond joy

well i think i have blabbed enough. im sure i am boring you to tears.

love love love

lis