revolving door

hello my lovelies! i havent posted in a few days because my job has me wiped out. i am working 40 hours a week + graduate school. i have been going to bed at 2 am 10 pm. so very early for me. having these big girl pants on is hard work!

i sort of thought this job would give me structure and would help me in my recovery, but it hasnt. yes, i make my residents meals but i feel like i dont deserve to eat. i love to cook. i am always the one in the kitchen cooking and preparing the meals. i get enjoyment out of seeing other people eat. when i see other people eat somehow i feel...better.

working at house is a bit triggering at times. one particular resident constantly comments on how i look and how "thin" i am. ed loves to hear this but i dont believe it because when i look in the mirror i dont see what other people see. what i see is distorted. and this resident says this like 4382954739x a day. its so annoying. and then her friend came over tonight for dinner and said "do you know how much you weigh? xxx?" i immediately freaked out when i heard her say that. i obviously know how much i weigh, and its not close to that number. but is that how people see me?!?

today has been a day full of negative thoughts. i was seeing this guy and we had a date tonight. he texted me and cancelled saying he doesnt want any type of relationship. i immediately reacted with "i am never going to be good enough. why doesnt anyone want to be with me?" its so frustrating. my life is like a revolving door. people come in & out. in & out. i have learned how to build a wall between me and others to protect myself. but it seems as if that wall has gotten in the way and caused more pain than good.

i often wonder when is enough enough? when will i get so sick of being sick that i will WANT recovery? in my head ed i always like "well you can lose X lbs." when in reality i know that i cant. if i lose weight i will not be able to finish school or have this job. its so frustrating. i hate my anorexia but i love it. its my best friend. it keeps my secrets. it never leaves me. its always there. it may be my best friend but its my worst enemy. its turned me into someone i dont know. i dont even consider myself lisa anymore. i see myself as anorexia. it has taken so much of my personality away and has made me lose a lot of people i love. so why is it so hard? i do not have an answer for that..

i just need to keep the focus on me. i need to continue to be an adult, since i am one. i need to rely on myself and be dependent upon myself. not on others. thats what scares me.

anyways it is time for me to write my progress notes. yes i am on my laptop at work =P

hope you enjoyed the gorgeous weather today on this saturday afternoon...

love you to the moon and back,

lis