quicky update

today is such a dreary day. rainy/snowy. it was 50 degrees yesterday and now this. i think mother nature is having some serious PMS problems.

i started my job this past sunday and i like it so far...i am still in training and am learning how things work around the house. i basically "babysit" my residents to make sure they do not ha

rm themselves or others, help them do chores, and transport them to and from appts. it is fairly easy. the residents are usually in bed by 8 pm so i get to watch tv and do my homework. yes, get paid to do my homework. so i shall not complain.

this new schedule has me so worn down. i am always tired and lethargic. i know it also has to do with not providing my body with enough nourishment? it is just so hard when i am constantly on the go. i left my house at 930 this morning and will not be

back until 830 tonight. eeesh. i pack some snacks with me but i am definitely not meeting my caloric intake that i should be. i have a dr appt tomorrow and i am really anxious about it. they will weigh me (which i get to see. ed likes that) and then she checks my vitals and such and asks how i have been doing. i have been having chest pains recently so i dont know what that is about? but im scared.. i know she is not going to be happy with me especially since i have lost since i saw her last month. i really am trying. really.

as of late i have been consumed with negative body image and self talk. no matter what i do i cannot get away from it. i thought that being constantly busy would quiet down the ed voice but if anything it has gotten louder. he wants to make sure that i know he is there. dictating my every breath. i know that based upon my weight and my bmi being at about 15, that i need to take action but that means putting my life on hold. i have put my life on hold long enough. but the sicker i get, the less i will be able to do. so something has to give. because i cant afford to get sick. its just not an option for me.

here is an eat from last night at work:

a pecan pie larabar. mmm, it was so yummi. i am literally OBSESSED with these things =]

well i am in the library at school just diddling around until i have class at 4.

hope you lovelies are having a sparkling day!

love love love

lis