where it all began...

i know i should have written this post a while back but for some reason, tonight, i decided it was time to. it is going to be quite lengthy. so please bear with me....

i want to share some of my person history (hx) with you so you can better understand my eating disorder and i. my life is quite...complicated. i was born at a state hospital in vermont and immediately became a ward of the state because my biological mother was severely schizophrenic. she didnt even know she was pregnant. she thought she was having a bowel movement. i then was transferred to a loving foster home where i resided for 5 months. my foster mother (whom i met a year ago this january and is the sweetest woman ever) found my adoptive parents for me. at the age of 6 months, i was legally adopted and became Lisa Lyon (even though to my foster mother i was known as Andrea).

however, my family had a secret that the state of VT did not know. my adoptive father was an alcoholic...since before age 12. i have very few memories of him. maybe two from my childhood and they are not good ones. at the age of 3, he left my mother and i to fend for ourselves. we moved into my grandparents house until i was about 5 years old when we got back onto our feet. let me tell you, thank god for my grandparents. without them..i dont know where i would be today.

i dont remember much of my childhood..it was good but a lot has been blocked out. since i can remember food was always an issue. i was deemed a "picky eater" and at the age of four i was a "failure to thrive" child. i remember as early as elementary school having my mom pack lunches and leave cute little notes in my lunch box but not wanting to eat. so i would throw out my lunch and lie. tell her i ate my lunch. when i really didnt. that is where i am confused....

because i always thought my ed started around age 12 when i hit puberty. but now i am contemplating that very thought...

my alcoholic father was NEVER a part of my life. no birthday cards. no christmas presents. a phone call here or there. he even kept me a secret from my half siblings for 10 years. ya, what a real winner. thank god he doesnt read this!!! i did not speak to him from the ages of 10-19 until my godmother (his sister) became ill with breast cancer. since then, our relationship is only about money (since he never paid child support. not a dime). so i try and get some money out of him when i can.

i think i have always lacked that father figure in my life. hell, i used to make up stories about my dad and why he wasnt around. my gramps was and IS my father figure. he will be the one walking me down the aisle.

i think i always felt like i wasnt good enough. no matter what i did i was never good enough for my dad to love. i was the black sheep out of the three children. as if he was ashamed of me.

and this is where my ed comes in. i have a lot of anger and resentment toward my dad and yet i turn it inward. i dont take it out on him. instead, i take it out on myself in unhealthy manners. i restrict, lose weight, dont take my meds, use alcohol as a coping mechanism...all to not feel. but really, they are just covering up those feelings. hiding them for one more day.

so all in all, i guess what i am getting at in this post is...

i dont really know WHEN my eating disorder began. but does that really matter? it is a part of my life now and has been for about 10 years now. at some point i do not want it to be. so when will that be?

right this very moment, i am feeling so many feelings its crazy. i was supposed to skype with a good friend of mine from the frew tonight (we talked at 630 and planned for 10)...she went on faceybook and i havent heard from her...at all. i just feel like what is wrong with me? why does no one want anything to do with me? ed is going crazy and i just want to disappear. i want to be non-existent. if i was smaller i would take up less space and people wouldnt be burdened by me...ugh. im sorry, im being very negative right now. i guess its time for me to go nuhhh nights.

love you

lis