i cant even begin to describe the stress & anxiety i am under today. the clinical mental health counseling program had a meeting this afternoon about our internships and we were THROWN at with a ridiculous amount of information. within the next week we need to:
- look through the handbook
- look through the book of internships at pick our top 3
- and take a 3-4 hour online exam called the CANS
so needless to say i am freaking out about how to juggle all of this. full time graduate student (which is CONTINUOUS until i graduate in may 2011). a new full time job (which i dont start til the end of the month) an internship that needs to be at least 20 hours a week. and somewhat of a life.
how does recovery fit into all of this? it doesnt seem to. but at the same time if i dont take care of myself and my body, i will fail. i will not succeed. i will have to delay everything. i know that my life has to drastically change within the next week and i am terrified beyond belief. the ed voice is in full force tonight. telling me that all i need is my eating disorder to relieve my anxiety and if i am at a lower weight things will be great. that without it, i am nothing and will fail. i know that ed LIES but it is so much easier to believe than to ignore it. to fight it.
i honestly feel like i may be biting off more than i can chew (no pun intended). when i am stressed, anxious, angry, sad, depressed, all of the above...i resort to my eating disorder. like today i did & i know i shouldn't have. i immediately felt shame and guilt that i was weak...like last night. i was watching intervention and i was craving food at yes, 2 am. so i made myself something to eat..and my roommate comes downstairs and ridicules me for "being too loud" and she was sleeping and smelt someone making food. im sorry...i live here too! and i dont like to eat in front of people. so if i eat, it is late at night. as ive mentioned in previous posts, its a competition. who can eat later. it immediately made me feel shameful and guilty. as if i didnt DESERVE to eat no matter what time it is. like i was a burden and should stay in my room. its so frustrating to live in a house with others yet have your own rituals/schedules that they dont understand. i was doing what was best for me and i got criticized for it...
i wish i had therapy twice a week because i need it but until i get masshealth insurance, i cannot afford it..and even with this ridiculous schedule i have NO idea if i will even have time for all of my appointments. so maybe my health needs to be put on hold??
and to top it all off...my stupid father has not sent me my check. he "claims" he did 2 weeks ago but where it the check? no where to be found. i could really use that money. just to simply live and pay my bills until i get a paycheck. & mamadukes was irritated with me tonight because i gave her attitude since i am incredibly stressed. i told her i went to the store to buy things that i needed such as: pens, paper, socks, toilet paper (since it's my turn to buy) and of course diet coke! and she was like "i cannot believe the day after i put $$ into your bank account you are giving me attitude!" i didnt mean to give her attitude. i am just stressed, anxious, frustrated, and not sure what to do. i feel like i many not be able to do this all and will fail. and failure to me is the end of the world..
so moral of the story...
don't bit off more than you can chew. dont skate on thin ice. because eventually the ice will give way and you will fall through. so right now i need an action plan...i am not a profession juggler but i need to learn how to juggle all of these sticks that are on fire that are being thrown at me...
love you to the moon and back
lis
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