morning sunshines. yes i am up early, due to insomnia, and my roommates alarm going off (oops!)...
today i find myself contemplating whether i am fragile or i am strong. to most people looking on the outside i am strong. resilient. well put together and ready to battle anything that comes my way. but to their demise i am so incredibly vulnerable and weak.
i look back on the past few years of my life (since 2007) and have seen a clear downhill effect that isnt exactly pretty. in and out of tx centers. being sick and having to take a medical leave from school. isolating myself. but that isnt a life. but yet ed says it is. he says "if you just lose a little weight and restrict a little more people will like you and accept you.." i know these thoughts are ED and not Lisa but it is so hard to fight them and sometimes hard to distinguish whose voice it truly is..i get on the scale and ed says "oh well that is too high. you need to lose more" even though my bmi is about 16 right about now. at times i just want to disappear. feel nothing but emptiness. put my hands on my side and feel, well...empty.
as i got the news of my newly hectic life i have begun to crumble. i guess in order to deal with all the anxiety? i will be honest..i havent been doing well. but i dont want this blog to be about that. it is about recovery. not relapsing. i just need to fit into my schedule where my meals/snacks will go. maybe make an excel schedule like i did in PHP will help. with my classes, work, appointments, and meals (of course) to hold me accountable. because people, accountability is HUGE for me.
what bothers me the most is that my roommates know of my ed but they still make comments about weight, calories, sizes, food, etc. like hello? have you not seen the change in me in the last 6 months?!? it annoys and frustrates me but i do not have the assertiveness to say anything. because really people are going to say things. we just have to learn how to change our reactions to them.
last night as i laid in bed, unable to sleep, i contemplated tx. but then thought of all the obligations i have and wouldnt have time for even IOP. it sucks. and i know my health should come first. but at the same time i just want to get school over with. 6 years of college is a lot and i want to get it done. and on time. i know if i even went for an eval at walden PHP they would send me right to IP based on weight even though medically i am stable. and i dont have the $ or time for that. so...i have to do it on my own. it is amazing i am up at 745 now and even writing this, so maybe thats a start???
just has me thinking...
i'm fragile & i'm strong. a beautiful & perfect combination.
love to you all
lis
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