tuesday 2.16.10

it's snowing here, and it is sooo pretty. this morning i woke up at a ridiculous time (530!) because my neighbor decided to shovel her sidewalk which is right outside my window. i was so annoyed since my alarm wasnt supposed to go off until 7 since i had therapy at 9. i tried to go back to sleep but that was an epic fail. so i got my tooshie out of bed shoveled OUR part of the sidewalk, made myself a warm cup of french vanilla coffee, cleaned off my car, and got all showered and ready for my day. productive, non?

i am just so tired and worn out. i dont know if it is because i am emotionally drained or

what not but yesterday after meeting with my group for a project i came home and put a load of towels in the wash. i found out that there was an intervention marathon on (which i obvi

became excited about!). i fell asleep around 6ish??? and didnt wake up til 1030! :O i mustve been really tired. i talked to my best friend on the phone for a few and caught up on our lives, watched chelsea lately, and then went back to bed. i think i may hold the record for amount of time that i sleep. my roommates sent me a bumper sticker on faceybook saying "damn right i am good in bed. i can sleep for days". haha.

anyways, i had therapy this morning at a ridiculous hour and i was not myself. normally i am happy, smiley, crack jokes (my defense mechanism) but today i was somber. holding my head up on her couch trying to keep my eyes open. i love my T i just feel like until i am ready to change nothing really is going to happen. i want to change. im just not simply ready. i am getting some sort of positive gain out of my behaviors, whether eating disordered or not. it gives me a place in this world. a sense of self. a way to avoid things i am not ready to deal with. so until i can find something to replace those with i think i will struggle. which sounds so...pessimistic. and i dont want to be pessimistic.

as of late i have had more urges to restrict and lose weight. i know what consequences come with that and ed convinces me that everything will be okay if i listen to him. if i just lose X lbs then i will be happy. people will like me and i will succeed. i weighed myself this morning before i showered (as i do every morning) and of course ed was not happy with what came up. how is it that this machine, this piece of glass with numbers on it can either make or break my day? how can it determine my self worth? i dont know, but as all of us eating disordered people know that number means...well everything. to ed that is. i immediately had thoughts of engaging in behaviors and planning my day accordingly. i wonder what my life would look/feel like if i didnt put such a importance on a number. it really is just that. a silly number.

i have my psych appt this afternoon and i am very anxious as i have not been taking my

medication except for my klonopin. let me tell you, if i went off of that, it would not be a pretty picture. i would have my crankypants on..permanantly. i think i dont take my meds the way they are prescribed because 1. i am so impatient and it takes 3-4 wks for the medicine to build in your system and 2. it is another thing that is healthy for my body. something good..which i obviously struggle with. so i am dreading that appt at 130. until then, i am sitting in barnes & nobles drinking coffee and blogging, since it doesnt make sense to drive ALL the way back to my house.

me sitting in the bookstore listening to music ♫

caramel white mocha lattee with a pecan pie larabar. they didnt have peppermint mocha latte. i was sad.

i hope you lovelies are enjoying this white snowy day.

love you to the moon & back

lis