life or death. which will you choose?

Good morning, sunshines. i am very shocked to say the least that i am even coherent at this hour after the events of last night...

i will not go into detail and breach confidentiality but needless to say i had to make a decision about someone i care deeply about and they were less than thrilled. i have learned in my education that we often need to assess the risk factor of ourselves and/or others. and if there is risk involved DO NOT HESITATE. as a mandated reporter, i had to resort to using my clear and rational judgement and make sure that this person's safety as well as my safety was not at risk. and personally, i made the right decision. i have already lost a dear friend of mine in the past year, i was not about to lose another..

so as i woke up this morning and began to process what had occurred i realized that today i choose to live. so what did i do? i got up, made myself a hot cup of french vanilla coffee and had breakfast. yes, it was no IP breakfast. but it was something. because my body is in desperate need of nourishment right now. food and emotional nourishment. i put in a load of laundry (which i have about five to do...) and made some phone calls. quite productive for me at 11:00 in the morning, dontcha think??

as i was sitting on my couch thinking of what to blog about today the 12 step program popped into my head and the first step immediately came clear into my head...

1. We admitted we were powerless over our addiction—that our lives had become

unmanageable.

such loaded words, huh? my life of late has been nothing but unmanageable. it is chaotic, unhealthy, terrifying. all of the above. so before i do anything (except put some yummy eats into my tummy, of course!) i need to admit that i cannot do this on my own. even though i am strong and independent i need more helping hands. and it is okay to ask for help. it is normal.

i have tried going to 12 step meetings before and have not found them necessarily helpful however i think that is because i have been so entrenched in my disorder and addictions that i didnt want help...

but after being up until 4 am with a wonderful counselor whom i have known for about....3 years now...i realized that this is scary. it is between life and death. i found that out the hard way last night as i was laying in bed uncontrollably shaken with fear. so yes, my life has become unmanageable and i have become powerless. but it is time to take that power back. because i dont want to be chained for ed for the rest of my life because all he wants is me in a box six feet under.

i have TONS to think about and i know this is a lengthy post, so thank you for bearing with me...and i didnt even talk about my session yesterday with my T. i will spare you and save that for another post.

i have my monthly followup with my dr today at 3. i am very anxious about this because i know that she will not be happy about my behaviors, lifestyle, and of course that very number on the scale that we let dictate our lives..

enjoy today my lovlies...heard we are supposed to get that icky white stuff on the ground. so curl up with a blanket and take care of yourself..

love you to the moon and back,

lis