feast or famine

i havent posted in awhile because i have been very busy with school and trainings for my new job. i went from being entirely unproductive to having no spare time...and it is only going to get worse. starting sunday, i will start my full time job. out of the 7 day week, between school and work, i will not have a day off. its like feast or famine (sorry for the pun). there is no middle ground.

my sleep schedule is going to be so off (not that it already isnt) and i will end up being so exhausted i will get mono again...nevermind that, i feel like all of this will give me an excuse to relapse. ed will make excuses why i cant eat because i will be too busy. hell, i havent even started the job and i am already slipping. *sigh* i am X lbs away from my lowest weight. of course this makes ed happy. he says "if youre functioning at this weight, you can afford to lose some more"

shut up.

the minute i think about all of this i get so overwhelmed. anxious. and then ed rears his ugly head and says "im here. if you just give in to me, i will make all those feelings go away". when i was at my worst i remember feeling so empty and numb. i didnt feel anything. i long for that feeling sometimes. and i went to tx they said i was a "walking eating disorder". ed was talking 100% of the time. not Lisa. it was so scary to think that i had lost my personality and this horrid disease had taken over.

i find myself haunted by negative thoughts 24/7 now. i never get a break. ed is always criticizing me "you could have done that better. youre such a failure" "if you cant do it perfectly, then why even bother?"

and its not like i even have the time to get sick. not that i want to, but it seems so enticing. if i get sick and go IP i will have to leave school, be a semester behind, and take time from work AND my copay for IP is astronomical. maybe i am not cut out for all of this. maybe i should just quit while i am ahead? maybe graduate school was a bad idea. i find myself restricting more and more and i know that i cannot afford to. i cant afford to lose weight. i find my memory is going because of malnutrition and i am so lethargic and it scares me. but i cant seem to get out of this hole ive dug myself. i am confused as you can see. part of me wants recovery but such a bigger part of me wants to get sick and stay sick. be comforted and taken care of.

my mind is racing with so many thoughts. its 430 am and i have to be up at 645 to go to CPR/first aid training which is all day. ughh.

love you to the moon and back

lis