long time no post, eh? i have been debating whether to blog lately because my last post was such an "ah-ha!" moment and i felt like i couldnt top it. yes, ms. perfectionism was getting in the way. i felt like i had such a revelation last time i posted that my next post needed to be BIGGER and BETTER. but i was reminded by some great friends that i was being silly and that i need to "just write what you feel. no need to top your old posts. each new one will be just as beautiful". as i think of what to write this time my mind is racing and full of so many things to jot down..and as you can see if you further read, my bloggie shows just that. and i feel like it isn't perfect..but what post has to be? if it is my best, then that is good enough.
so lets see...since my last post, my life has been quite...eventful. it's a new year: 2010. new years was...well, a blur. i hung out with my lovely roommates and had some friends over. the theme was "a night that sparkles" since we had so many sparkling champagnes. mmm, nuvo. we also made a HUGE tray of jello shots. yumo. needless to say, lisa was stupid and decided to drink too much. big surprise. i honestly didnt mean to. i was having fun until it just..well, hit me.
as the new year was fast approaching, my anxiety was getting higher. everyone makes new years resolutions that it is going to be a better year filled with promise and hope. a fellow blogger Eleanor said it absolutely perfectly:
"New Year's Day, I've come to realize, is the same as any other day. Any given day only comes once - when it's over, it's gone. There's no going back, there's no re-doing things you think you did wrong, there's no 'fixing things up' and making things 'right'. New Year's Day, yes, is a changing of a year, but tomorrow, that will be a changing of a year, too. It depends on where you start.New Years brings promise of change, betterment, improvement. But why? Why shouldn't every day bring promise of change, betterment and improvement? Today, the first day of the "New Year", was no different to any other day. Infact, I felt disappointed. I'd set myself up, expected something to instantaneously change, though I did say to myself I wouldn't. The starting of a new year didn't rid me of the thing that plagues my mind, my body, my soul... My life. I know that it is unreasonable, irrational and just plain stupid to have that thought in the back of my mind, the expectation that somehow, miraculously, everything would just be better, because 2009 - one of the worst years of my short life - was over. I no longer had to live with the fact that I lessened my chances of a good life in 2009, the responsibility of that wasn't over my head anymore. But I was wrong. I am wrong."
after we rang in the new year, life has been good in some ways and troubling in others. here are some highlights of the good:
- spent time with family on new years day
- became closer with some incredible friends of mine
- had a doctor's appointment that went fairly well =]
- had a job interview (yes, you read that right) for a job where i can actually use my degree!
i have been very motivated over the past week or so..pretty much since i last posted. yes, my eating has been off, as it normally is, but i have been so productive its crazy. i worked this past weekend at a basketball tourney at school..20 hours in 2 days. yikes! i finally cleaned this mess i call a bedroom. it honestly looked like an atomic bomb went off. smoke cloud and all. i went to my appointments this week, had a job interview today. i am just on a roll. i feel like finally i am starting on a good road and 2010 will be a good year. let's cross our fingers.
ok now that i have blabbed on and on about 2010, lets get to the good stuff..
a few events have happened over the past week that have been really eye opening for me but yet have me questioning a lot of my life. i am going to be vague about it because honestly right now until i figure things out, it really should just stay in my head (minus my lovely cousin, terri). she told me how i am feeling is completely normal and that she once felt the same way i am right now at a point in her life. phewww! i thought i was going crazy. this particular "thing"in my life has me questioning if i honestly know who i really am. who really is lisa? it has me thrown for a loop and was completely unexpected. ok, i know none of you know what i am talking about so i will shut up. i just needed to get it off of my chest a little bit. so, ya, thanks for hanging in there with me...
although my weight has maintained at XX, i feel so uncomfortable in my skin. it is no where near my highest weight yet ed always chimes in and says "things will be better if you just lose weight" or "you dont need to be in a relationship. you have me. thats all you need". i wish he would just shut the eff up sometimes. and now that i went on this interview today i am feeling quite overwhelmed. will i be able to pull off a full time job as well as be a full time graduate student? will i cave under pressure and let my eating disorder become my way of coping? that just isnt an option for me anymore. i have too many things and people depending on me. i just cant go back into the hospital. i dont have the time. or money. but yet, it seems enticing. i told my dr yesterday that my fear weight used to be XX and now it is X lbs less than that, which is scary. because ed wants me to be sick, emaciated, and not healthy. but deep down that is not what lisawants. i just have to keep fighting the urges and do what is right for me and begin to love my body. its not going to be easy. its going to be the hardest thing i have ever had to do. but i know with all of you as support, i can get through it. i just need to be easy on myself. i wish i could fix everyone. they all deserve this life, and happiness. i wish they could see what i see in them: beauty, compassion, and love. and i am sure you all feel the same way.
i finally finished goodbye ed, hello me the other night. seriously read it. it is so inspiring. it gives me hope that one day, maybe not today, not tomorrow, not 5 years from now...but someday...i can recover and not have this demon in my life.
i think i have done enough blabbing for now. time to be productive and get some things done. see that? wow, how beautiful friends and a new year can change me...
love you to the moon and back
lis
Lisa!
ReplyDeleteYou have come a long, long way - although the top of the mountain (AKA recovery) may seem a long way off, you've come a lot closer to it than you realize. The little things sometimes make the biggest difference of all. It is achallenge just to get out of bed every morning and face a new day, yet you have done that, day after day. You've worked, you've applied for a job, you've been with family, you've been with friends. All of these things have "strings attached" according to ED, yet you did it!
Although life is going to be busy for you, you cannot lose sight of what is most important for you, and that is your health. That is Number 1 priority - without your health, you can't do the things you want to do like school, work, be with the people you love.
But I can see how hard you are trying to tackle the thoughts ED is forcing into your head. Keep ignoring, keep fighting, keep growing and strengthening and chipping away at the shell ED encased you in. The real you is coming through, shining. You'll know who you are - it's a journey of self-discovery.
Love,
Eleanor. xo