hello my lovely dolls. today was just another day in the boring life of lisa. as i dont sleep at night, i sleep all day. i didnt get up until 3 pm today. shocker! i did some things around the house & then had therapy at 7 pm. that totally threw me off since i am used to having therapy on thursdays and around 1 pm. so needless to say, it was quite weird.
it is absolutely FREEZINGGG here. it is like 10 degrees. feels like -5. joy. i hate winter. anyhoo..
my therapy sesh tonight was very...whats the word..eye opening. we covered a lot tonight. i really like my T. i have only seen her for about 6 months now but i feel like we really are starting to cover some real ground and are forming a therapeutic relationship. tonight we talked about my sleep schedule and how i stay up til all hours of the night and then sleep all day. it isnt getting any better. its actually getting worse day by day. i am less productive then i have ever been. i literally get NOTHING done. my T and i then came to a conclusion. i am not showing up for life. whether it is sleeping all day or blacking out from drinking. i refuse to show up for life. if i sleep all day then i dont have to face the world, connect with others, and so forth. something about facing life is too painful for me. so whats so painful? is it that if i get out in the workforce i am afraid people will think i am competent and begin to depend on me? am i afraid that people will ACTUALLY like me? i think i fear a lot of things and choose to sleep away life to not deal with what life has to bring. but thats the thing. life keeps showing up every day. which is good. it keeps coming at me and slapping me in the face. i just have to choose to show up for it..its as if i am "blotting" out the parts of life that are too painful. literally, like with an ink blotter. if i sleep all day and am up all night or party to the point of blackout where i do not remember anything, then i dont have to be a part of society. i can just block life out. i hate where i am at right now. i hate staying up all night and sleeping all day. but yet, something about it is so comforting. it is my comfort zone. it is what i know. and outside of my comfort zone is a scary place..
my T also asked me a really good question. she asked "would you wish an ED on anyone else?" i immediately responded "hell no." she asked "why not?" and i said "it is too painful. it is too hard. no one deserves this life. no one." we both noticed how disconnected i was from that sentence. no emotion. no tears. just flat emotion. that is because anorexia is so cold, so rigid, so angular. so bony and powerful. it is not warm and fuzzy. it does not let you connect with others or your feelings. instead it masks those feelings with behaviors and tells you that if you show feeling that you are weak. i have been in therapy for quite a few years now and i can only recall one sesh where i cried. i cried the entire time. but other than that, i have not shed one tear. i have been taught to not show emotion in my family. their mantra is "suck it up". if i cry or show anger, i am showing weakness. and weakness is not acceptable. so i mask these feelings. i put on a show, a really good one, for anyone and everyone. including myself. what i like about my T is that she has picked up on this. she was very controversial tonight and yet, i didnt seem to mind. she was playing devil's advocate and challenging me, which is what i need. she gets this disease better than any other professional i have worked with and i am excited and scared to continue on this path of discovery..
tonight's sesh got me really thinking, especially after beginning to read goodbye ed, hello me. what is it going to take to be "recovered"? where is my rock bottom? is it a bottomless pit? is my rock bottom not one single "it" or "what" but rather a lot of little things strung together? do i see that recovery is possible? yes. am i there yet? hell no, not even close. and i think what i struggle with is that i think recovery has to be perfect. and yet it is not.
"i sometimes compare the recovery process to climbing a tall mountain. making it to the summit is so difficult that sometimes it seems like a two-steps forward, three-steps back kind of process. in other words, recovery is not a straight line; there are setbacks along the way. it takes time and patience to reach the top" -goodbye ed, hello me
my T always says to me that recovery is a two steps forward, one step back. two steps forward, one step back process. you cannot be perfect at recovery. you cannot get an 'A' in recovery. that is what i struggle with. my perfectionism gets in the way and i figure if i cant do recovery "perfectly" then why bother doing it at all. you see that all or nothing thinking? ahh, that thinking is what keeps us in our eating disorder. recovery isnt perfect. relationships arent perfect. we are not perfect. in fact we are perfectly imperfect. so we should embrace that, should we not?
i have realized a lot of things tonight and i find myself writing this bloggie and saying "holy fucking shit". i havent shown up for life lately in more ways then one and it is way too much to ask of myself to start completely over tomorrow and everything will be good. so i need to find just one itty bitty thing to start with. thats what recovery is about..baby steps.
ok, i am just blabbing on and on now. time for me to shut up. hehe.
love love love
lis
Two steps forward, one step back. That's so much better than no steps forward, and falling back.
ReplyDelete"Life keeps showing up every day. which is good." This, this hit me. No matter how hard you try to avoid life, it shows up. Every day. And it will keep showing up. But what you make of it is up to you.
You don't wish for this illness on anyone else - what makes you any different? What makes you "deserve" it? You are a human - a beautiful girl with a life that can be everything she wants it to be. You have the ability to shine, to wake up every day to life, and smile at it. You would be surprised at just how much a smile can do for you. Smile at life, and it will smile back.
Baby steps, one foot after the other. Get your balance, but continue.
We'll hold your hand, if you want us to. Because you're not alone.
Love,love,love.
Eleanor.
It is a long journey, and it's one you can continue to surprise yourself on, but you have to commit to staying on the journey! Keep yourself in the forward momentum, even if you take steps backward sometimes, as long as you know in your heart the goal is recovery, you are still looking forward. I know you are strong and I know you can do this.
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