winning

Good evening my lovely pumpkins. i hope you all enjoyed your holiday! i don't have much to say about mine. it was as if it was any other day to me and i am indifferent about it..

so i have noticed something recently that is a reoccurring theme in my ed and in my life in general. i am extremely competitive (i mean, who of us aren't?) but the competition is only in MY head. if i do eat, i usually eat in my room with the door shut or late at night when everyone is sleeping. i get very embarrassed when i eat and cannot have people watch me. well you know how that is. but with me, its turned into a competition. who can eat less. who can eat later. who can have the least amount of food on their shelf. who can drink more. who can stay up later and sleep later. and somehow when i do all of this, i feel like i have won something. i feel like i have willpower and am strong because i did not let myself eat until X time and they werent strong enough. these are all stupid rules/games that ED is making me play. but now it's making me question...what am i really winning? poor health, unhappiness, self abuse. nothing positive. but yet, i have that voice constantly in the back of my head dictating every breath i take, every thought i have, and everything i do or do not put into my body. it has controlled me for 10+ years and i am tired. just tired of it.

i want to win at something other than being the girl with anorexia. this is the only accomplishment i feel like i have. yes, i have a bachelor's degree and am working on my masters, but nothing has measured up to this. nothing has ever been good enough other than my eating disorder. i am not anorexia. i am LISA. and it is time i take my life back. i just have to figure out where the eff to start...

well i am off to watch a scary movie that i rented for myself. time to get cozy under my pink blanket.

love love love

lis