merry merry christmas

merry christmas eve my lovelys! santa comes tonight, oh boy! haha. i remember when i was little i used to put cookies and milk out for santa (skim milk of course!) and some veggies for the reindeer and would stay up until i couldn't keep my eyes open any longer just to see if i heard santa's sleigh. now as i am getting older, christmas (especially this year) isn't that exciting for me. of course i know that mamadukes buys my gifts (shhhh, don't tell) and i know that the true meaning of christmas isnt how many gifts you get or who makes gram cry the hardest with their gift. it is about family. giving thanks and being grateful for the life that we have been given. as the day approaches quickly, i am reminded of this constantly.

i had therapy today and i think we got quite a bit accomplished. my T and i talked about my relationship with my mom and how it severely impacts my ed. dont get me wrong, i love my mom to pieces and am lucky to have her, but sometimes, more often than not, she can be controlling. about anything and everything. i am a very independent person and right now i am dependent on her in more ways than one. i moved out of the house in august and i still feel as if she controls all the decisions i make. she and i are very enmeshed emotionally. i think she wishes we had the relationship that she and my gram have..they are the bestest of friends and do everything together. but that is not me and my mom. and my mom makes me feel guilty for trying to make my own decisions and when i do they are the "wrong" ones. she also makes comments like "you need to be nice & helpful" or "i have messed you up for the rest of your life". it is very self centered of her. yes, she contributed to me developing an ed but not more than anything else did. she makes it about HER when really it is about ME. where is there space for lisa? that is what i am trying to figure out.

so last night i was up until all hours of the morning. shocker! i ended up watching 'hes just not that into you' and 'seven pounds'. if you watch 'seven pounds' be sure to grab some tissues. you will need them. well anyways, at like 3 am i was craving something to eat. i spent legit 30 minutes debating in my head with ed if i could have something to eat. lisa wanted to. ed did not. he kept chiming in "it is 3 am. if you eat something and go to bed, you wont burn it off and will gain weight" or "you dont deserve to eat." well guess what, i said "eff you, ed" and had something to eat. afterwards i felt extremely guilty as if i did something desperately wrong. i thought about it this morning and why should i feel guilty about having something that i WANTED and for nourishing my body? i NEED food to live, to breathe, to think, to be..me. and at the end of the day, it doesn't matter what ed says because he lies. he wants nothing but me 6 feet under. he wont be satisfied until i am dead. and i dont want that. i want to accomplish so many things in my life without my ed holding me back. so ultimately, my one christmas wish is...to have the strength to take it one day at a time and try to battle that voice in my head. to nourish my body. food is medicine. and i have to treat my body so.

well lovies, i hope you get all you want for christmas...cuz you deserve it!

xoxo

lis