today started off to be a good day. i woke up nice & early even after a long night of partying. i was celebrating the end of the semester. wooohooo! so of course i had to treat myself to some drinkiiies..
i had therapy at 1 with my old therapist at school. i check in with him every once in awhile since i am "technically" not supposed to see him. it's "therapy interfering" to see two therapists at once. well that session was...not helpful. i felt like it was a waste of time. he works primary in substance abuse and kept pushing AA down my throat. i felt like i was speaking but not being HEARD. yes, drinking often is a problem for me but it's either drinking or my ed that is primary and right now it is my ed that is controlling my life. it was as if he was minimizing my ed. like it's not as much of a problem as it is. and right now i am ADMITTING it is a problem. i know he cares deeply for me and wants the best for me, i just think he feels helpless. not sure what to say that can make me feel better or make me see the light at the end of the tunnel. i am X lbs away from my lowest weight in my adult life. no bueno. i cannot go IP right now because i cannot afford it. my copay is absolutely RIDICULOUS. you have no idea. so i ended up leaving the session in a tizzy, took some good kpins and passed out for a few hours until group.
ahhh, group was really good tonight. i love these women to death. they inspire me. it was just four of us tonight and honestly, it was a very positive evening. we all even made goals, which we hardly ever do. mine was to 1. apply for masshealth and 2. eat at least one substantial meal a day according to my last meal plan. i have every intention of doing both of these goals but ed is not like them. he was chiming in on my way home saying "you can fool all of them. just say you ate the one meal. no one will know. it will be our little secret" or "if you follow that goal you will get fat, fat fat," and blah blah blah. but ed is so wrong. i need to fight this voice with all of my being because it is so loud right now and i know i am capable of following a meal plan. i just need to DO IT. i have so many resources from the multiple tx facilities i have been to, i just need to utilize them. it's almost like i need a babysitter 24/7 telling me what to eat, when to eat, and that i have no choice in the matter. as if i am a child. so sad...
so i checked my grades tonight and i am looking at a 4.0 for the semester. i am pretty pumped because i struggled a lot in these past few months. as soon as i saw my grade for psychopathology was an A i called my mom and said "i got straight A's this semester..a 4.0!" and the response i got back was "i am proud of you...you need to start looking for a job". as if getting a 4.0 wasn't good enough. yes, she said she was proud of me, but it was short lived. it was as if she focused 2.2 seconds of her attention on the fact that her daughter achieved essentially academic perfection and yet focused the rest of her attention on how much of an unproductive member of society i am. i am well aware i do not have a job. i am well aware i cannot pay my bills and am financially dependent upon my mother. does that mean i like it? hell no. do i feel guilty? absolutely. but i am trying. that is all i can do. the economy SUCKS. dont even get me started on that. it just urks me that i dont get the recognition i deserve for doing such a good job in school despite my struggles. 4.0. no visit with the dean. cant i get a gold star for that??
im sorry this post/most of my posts are so negative. i just have so much going on inside and i need to let it out...so you guys are the ones to read about it. luck you!
christymas is come up rapidly and my anxiety is rising as the day nears. my family isn't really speaking to me and i am not sure why. i havent seen my niece since thanksgiving (i used to see her every week). the only people in my family i hear from are my mom and gram. i used to be so close with my two cousins..like sisters. but since i went to renfrew, our relationship has changed. they dont trust me. they dont like the lifestyle that i live. they dont agree with the things i do. but this is MY life. not theirs. i dont agree with everything they do, but despite that, i still love them unconditionally. the holiday will be...interesting. as always there will be tons of food and alcohol. joy! it will be a very emotional 2 days at home since my grandparents are in florida this year for the holiday and half of my family will not be there. i am used to 25+ people and we are only have 11 if that. i dont think my mom put the christmas tree up, no stockings. i couldnt afford to get her any presents because i am beyond broke. i am just simply dreading this holiday. i would much rather just stay in my house in springfield and be by myself or with my roommate kelly. but that's what ed wants. he wants me to isolate. and i do that enough already..
"when you are at the end of your rope...just tie a knot, sit your bum down and just "hang out". you don't have to be at the top of the rope or even climbing...just...hang. as long as you don't lose grip altogether things will eventually get to the point where you can climb back up. just BREATHE and sit tight for the ride..."
it is time for me to get my act together. i have one month off of school and then it is three full semesters of graduate school. if not now, when? there is no way i can graduate with my masters and be a licensed clinician if i dont have my own shit together. if this masshealth thing works out, i plan on doing some sort of tx..and soon. because honestly, i am not happy. my life revolves around food...and me not eating it. it revolves around how am i going to lie and manipulate my way through things today. and im tired of lying. to other people and more importantly to myself. it is time for me to take responsibility for lisa. if not me, who will? i have a lot of soul searching to do and plan on taking this next month to do so. i hope you lovies are doing well and are enjoying the holiday season.
xoxo
lis
From what you've said in this post, I can tell that somewhere inside you there's a desire to enter a new stage of your life, free of the things holding you back. Setting goals is very important, and you should be proud you were able to say out loud two things you are set on achieving. You may not get it right every time, but that doesn't mean you're a failure and that you should give up, because no one does things right, all the time, every time.
ReplyDeleteYou take the good with the bad, but don't focus on the bad, because it's the good things that matter.
Your family, as much as it may seem like they're just hassling and annoying, care about you and your wellbeing, and only want what's best for you. They say those things because they love you.
Do what you feel is right, not what ED 'says' is right. You can do it.
(You got amazing scores for your work, that should be proof that you can do things you set your mind to!)
Love,
Eleanor. xo