you're only as sick as your secrets...

hey my lovely pumpkins! i hope you are having a fabulous monday evening! as for me, i am ecstatic! i just finished my last final for the semester and let me tell you..i was FREAKINGout. but it was a piece of cake. so i think i am looking at either straight A's or all A's and one B which is not bad. at all. hehe.

i have no idea how i managed to get through the semester without visiting the dean. i am at a lower weight than i have been since sophomore year when all the shit went down with my ex and pretty much destroyed me. but yet, i have been able to fool everyone into think that i am fine. we all know that word too well. fine. fucked up insecure neurotic and emotional. i was in a really good/positive mood on saturday and now i am back to where i was. that positive attitude was short lived. i weighed myself for the first time in 3 days which is a record for me and surprisingly, the number didn't change. of course ed LOVED this. he kept saying "you didn't gain but you didn't lose. you're a failure because the number didn't change in 3 days". and on and on.

i am dreading christmas this year. my family dynamics is really weird and has been since my first hospitalization. i really don't hear from any of my family anymore which saddens me. it of course doesn't help that i continue to isolate myself and lock myself in my room for days. i just feel safe with ed. it is all i know.

"People have a hard time letting go of their suffering. Out of a fear of the unknown, they prefer suffering that is familiar."

this is so true for me. i would much prefer to suffer with ed because it is all i know. without it, i have no idea who i am. i have had my anorexia for 10+ years. it has been there for me when everyone else has left. it has comforted me in the bad times. it is a built in best friend but a built in enemy. i am sick of being sick but at the same time i like it. such a sick & twisted thought.

no one but my frew crew/EDA girls really know how much i am struggling. hence, you're only as sick as your secrets. my secrets are big. i keep so much bottled inside and am afraid to let anyone in for fear of abandonment. this disease has ruined so much in my life and yet i keep holding on. when will i be able to let it go once and for all? this i do not know...

i hope you guys have a splendid evening.

love love love.

Lis