beautiful friends

hey lovies! yes, it is 4:00 am. you are reading that correct. i am an insomniac. that's nothing new.

so tonight...i think i MAY have had a revelation...and a bit of hope. i was visiting a friend in the ICU tonight (not ED related even though she has an ED) and suddenly i realized that at times i am angry at my eating disorder but am also very thankful to have it. i know that sounds bizarre, but without it, i wouldn't have met so many beautiful women who changed my life. each one of you has a special place in my heart and always will. i think i realized tonight that yes my ed has brought me so much pain but yet so much joy because without it, i would never have met any of you..

for the first time in quite awhile, i feel hopeful. i know, TOTALLY different than the other night. i feel like maybe i can recover. i look at the beautiful women around me who fight day in and day out and it amazes me. they all struggle but they continue to fight everyday. despite the fact that they may hate themselves, i see the true beauty that is in them. i need to see that in myself. ed has limited me in so many ways and i dont want to be an eating disordered person when i am older. i know i am SO much more than that and deserve more than ed can ever give me.

today is the first day i have felt any bit of positivity and honestly..i dont want it to go away. its a good feeling. a contagious feeling. i feel like i can attempt to conquer this demon i call a best friend...one day at a time.

well i should attempt to get some shut eye. i hope you all are having the sweetest of dreams.

xoxo

Lis