today is the first day of the rest of my life

i found myself waking up this morning trying to piece together the events of last night. i will spare you the gruesome details. this is something i hate doing with a passion. not knowing what happened the night previous and hearing from my roommates about how they had to take care of me. in case you couldnt tell, last night was a night of pure ridiculousness from drinking. not one of my finer moments.

my life is gotten so out of control lately and as i am laying in bed looking around at my room covered with empty beer cans i wonder "how did it get this bad so fast?" ed crept back into my life and brought all of his friends along. my life of late either has revolved around my eating disorder or my substance abuse and it has to stop. i am doing nothing but harm to my body and i am disappointing people around me. thats the thing, people now just expect me to be a complete mess and i am living up to the expectation. when in reality, all they want is lisa back. the healthy lisa who is strong, independent, smart, and witty. not the lisa who is a train wreck in slow motion...

i know that i am not perfect. life isnt perfect. life is messy. and i have to realize that i may not to recovery perfectly but i can do my best at it. i need to take one thing at a time and change it. so today is the first day of a new life. a new lisa. i already made plans tonight that do not involve drinking. i am going to see a drag queen accapella group! totally random i know, but something different. thats what i need. things to do that dont revolve around my eating disorder and drinking. i need to start showing up for life. so here i am and i am ready to see how beautiful life really can be.

have a wonderful saturday my loves...

lis