epic fail.

i feel extremely guilty about my last post. you ask why? because i failed. EPIC FAIL. the night after we had people over our house and guess what? i caved under peer pressure. i drank. yes, i may have been responsible and paced myself, but i still failed. i hate myself for that. its all or nothing with me. either i am abstinent or im not. there is no middle ground. which is completely irrational. i even made myself accountable to my roommates and they only cheered me on. granted, they do not know the severity of my drinking problem but still...

ughhh. the past few days have been just, oh i dont know...blah. i found out i got that job working at a behavioral health agency. i know i should be elated, but i reacted in the complete opposite way. i stayed in bed for 24 hours straight, isolated, and didnt eat. i became terrified. terrified of failure. terrified of facing the real world. terrified of becoming an adult. its a scary thing. everyone is excited...but me. i find comfort in my world right now [even though it is unproductive]. its predictable. it is familiar. there are no expectations. i can do what i want when i want. and very soon my life will change...drastically. so i resorted back to old behaviors..

and to top it off, tonight was not a good night. i had my regular wednesday night classes and in psychopharmocology we were talking about how certain SSRIs make people gain weight and how we should let our clients know this information. needless to say, my professor went on a 45 min rant [i am not exaggerating] about losing weight, portion size, and herbal remedies to lose weight. CAN WE SAY TRIGGERING?!?! i texted my roommate who was sitting next to me saying "way to advertise eating disorder behavior". she agreed. i already had plans to go out to dinner after my two classes, which i did...but then i felt immediately guilty after eating my meal. i wanted to use behaviors, but didnt in front of company. so what did i do? waited until i came home, shut myself in my room, and ed took over. i failed...

im sorry i am being such a debbie downer tonight. i just feel like whatever i do it is never good enough and i will always fail. i want so badly to be recovered and to do well in life but yet ed has me wrapped around his finger. when is enough enough? i honestly feel like my rock bottom is a bottomless pit. which is scary. i just dont know who i am or what i am doing anymore. i just feel so......lost.

i am going to try and process everything and attempt some sleepies

hope you all are having a splendid evening..

love you to the moon and back,

lis