life is messy. people are messy...

yes, you arent daydreaming. i wrote a post this am but lots has happened today and i figured i would share my life with you all...

my day started out stupendous. i woke up at 930 (yes, early for me!) as mamadukes was coming to help me move into my new room. i made myself some yummy french vanilla coffee cream and 2 splendas included and proceeded to fold my clean laundry from a week ago. i am the biggest procrastinator in the world. mamadukes arrived and we moved my big possessions into my new room along with finishing the decorating. i was elated. a new room. a new slate. a new place to start...

we then went to lunch at uno's. i had stuffed chicken breast with mashed potatoes & steamed veggies. so yummy. it was the first time in a long time my mom and i have had a chance to sit down and actually talk. not just say words, but communicate. we then drove back to my house and skyped with my grandparents. yes, they know how to skype! they are so cute, so amazing. 79 and 82 and they are more technology savvy than i am! we then went to visit my cute lil nugget (hehe) and went grocery shopping, which is always stressful.

i came back to my house to my newly done room and to my surprise my great day was all about to change...

i lost someone who is extremely dear to me. no, they did not pass away. we simply parted ways. (yes, i know you are reading this, and please know that every word i said i meant...) our friendship was not working and deeper feelings were involved. it wasnt mutually agreed, but i had to deal with the decision. i instantaneously felt lost. felt like a part of me was gone. my heart was again once in pieces. i let my guard down. made myself vulnerable and i got hurt. but its a lesson learned. i dont regret a second about anything i did or said. i learned more about myself than i have in a long time. i learned my limits. my boundaries. my feelings. just so much. as i have said before, life is messy. people are messy. as i write this, it is so hard for me not to cry, since i have been crying for hours...but somehow i am keeping it all together. maybe because i reached out. i didnt listen to ed. i reached out for support when i needed it and when i didnt feel safe. i talked things out. i wrote one of my best friends an email and explained. i think thats the thing that has surprised me so much. no matter how much pain i am in and how much i feel broken, i sat with the feelings. and i havent done that in ages. so my friends, be vulnerable. let your guard down. open up those cracks in the wall you put up. because one day, someone will surprise you and change your life forever...and if you get hurt, so be it. but one day those wounds will heal and you will be stronger...

until then my beautiful friends...

lis

"There's some things that I regret,
Some words I wish had gone unsaid,
Some starts,
That had some bitter endings,
Been some bad times I've been through,
Damage I cannot undo,
Some things,
I wish I could do all all over again,
But it don't really matter,
Life gets that much harder,
It makes you that much stronger,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were,
Lessons learned.

And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
Everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,
Every change, life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned.

There's mistakes that I have made,
Some chances I just threw away,
Some roads,
I never should've taken,
Been some signs I didn't see,
Hearts that I hurt needlessly,
Some wounds,
That I wish I could have one more chance to mend,
But it don't make no difference,
The past can't be rewritten,
You get the life you're given,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were,
Lessons learned.

And all the things that break you,
All the things that make you strong,
You can't change the past,
Cause it's gone,
And you just gotta move on,
Because it's all,
Lessons learned.

From every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
From everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,
From every change, life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned,
Lessons learned." -Lessons Learned, Carrie Underwood