good afternoon, pumpkins! i woke up early this morning after getting only 4 hours of sleep because i had to see my T at 11. surprising, i know! i am absolutely exhausted but am managing to keep my eyelids peeled open. maybe toothpicks would help? ouchh.
therapy was. well. interesting. i feel like we dont get anywhere. i told her how i have been questioning exactly when my ED began because the more i look at it, the more i realize i was exhibiting ED behaviors back in elementary school. but there is no clear cut spot. its all blurry. she asked "would it matter if you knew when it exactly began" i responded with "well, no. i'm just curious". i have been questioning a lot lately. who i am, what i want to do in life, where i have been, etc. seems like my T and i focus a lot on my isolation and how ed tells me that i dont need anyone else but him. that i dont need food. that food is the enemy and he is my friend. i know all of that is a LIE but yet i believe it time and time again. when will i learn?
i know what i HAVE to do and yet i CANT seem to do it. i know i should follow a meal plan and use all the skills i have been taught in the numerous times in tx. but yet, life and recovery seems too fucking hard. my shelf in the pantry is now stocked with food and i find myself overwhelmed and making excuses why i shouldn't eat. of course, that is ED talking. my T is concerned that at some point she will have to make the call that i need to go IP and i dont want that. i cant have that. financially, i cannot afford to go IP. so what do i do? i need to find some inner strength somewhere. maybe look to julia, my sweet angel for strength. she wouldnt want to see me like this. she would want me to fight the battle. so maybe i can carry a teeny tiny bit of hope with me that is from her. tomorrow is a new day. and with a new day comes a new attitude.
have a lovely day, my beautiful friends.
xoxo
Lis
Hey lovie :)
ReplyDeleteahh i can relate to you so so much! like i know rationally that ED lies, but i believe these lies and sometimes i think they are true...and i cant fully grasp that they are lies...i feel like my ED is Eliza, and these are MY thoughts and whenever someone says "this is your ED speaking" i am like, no its not...ahhh but ED does lie, and there's no denying that!!...we need food to live, and we do need more in our life than our ED, because ED is an ass who only is out to make us miserable, sick, and dead.. :(
and ahh... Julia, our sweet little angel :( i always think of her when i am having a bad day, sad or struggling, i know she is up there looking down at me, and all of us, and would love nothing more than to see her friends that she loved so so much to be healthy, happy and free from ED...
love you beautiful girl, and i know you can do this, stay strong...i am always always here for you.
xx
Eliza
lisa!
ReplyDeletelovie, i hear so much frustration and pain towards ur ED, that i know these feeling ohh tooo well :/
i know that feeling of standing in the kitchen and just un able to put the food in my mouth and just do it, its like a wall in front of you?-- that is making it so hard! but i believe u can break that wall and go for the gold, not only start following a Meal Plan, but getting stronger and finding urself. and overcoming this fucking hard battle. :( i am always here always, k? ;)
"maybe look to julia, my sweet angel for strength. she wouldnt want to see me like this. she would want me to fight the battle."
---YES! look to beautiful Julia..she would not want to see you suffer, she wants you to live and be happy and well.
I had therapy too today and i talked about julia and my T said to me, "use Julia as a motivation to get well(and of course ur own motives) but Live the life Julia couldnt... carry on her name and fight for her!
she is looking down from heaven smiling every time one of her loveleys makes a step toward kicking this demon out!!! and i bet when you get well and get on track lovie, Julia's sweet smile will light up all the stars in heaven! :)
xoxoox
maya
stay strong sending lots of X's and O's :)