who am i fooling???

let me preface this post with---> i have been applying for jobs all over the place because i cannot afford living off of 13.94/hr especially when sallie mae decides to take all of my money. she is not a nice lady.

i have applied for NUMEROUS jobs with the state in the mental health field. department of mental health and addiction services to be exact. i applied to at least 7. last week i got a call back for an interview. you have NO idea how excited i was. if i were to work with the state it would open so many doors for me, more pay, and retirement in 15-20 years. sounds like a sweet deal to me.

i had my interview yesterday morning. it was easy and quick. i have interviewed/hired people in the job i am in now so i pretty much know what they are looking for. i left there thinking "ive got this in the bag" i proceeded with my day. they told me they would call me that day or today if they were to offer me a position.

today went by. i kept my phone attached to my hip (more so than usual). no phone call. this morning at 11 i had a feeling..a feeling that i wasnt going to get the job. who was i fooling? i may have a ton of experience with different populations (mental health, substance abuse, respite, all male prison, group homes) but i am not good enough for a state job. why would they pick lil old me? i am nothing special. ed quickly jumped in and started rolling with all the comments about how i am not good enough, smart enough, less worthy, definitely the f word, etc. i have not weighed myself in over a week simply because i am PETRIFIED of the number i will see. i have been restricting, but when i DO eat, i eating "normally" whatever that is. obviously, the number was too high. "you are a fat disgusting pig. you cant even have an eating disorder right. you need to lose x amount of pounds and will do whatever it takes"

i hate how one situation, it could be anything, gets ed going...

 how do i get him to shut the eff up? because he is starting to become louder. and louder. and louder.