a few weeks ago i learned of a dance teacher who was putting on an event in the area; a flash mob to be exact. it is to be held at a local biker night in september. no dance experience necessary, 15 minutes of choreography to 10 different songs. my friend from high school that i danced with told me about it and i instantly was hooked on the idea. you dont have to be a biker (which is good because i am on the complete opposite spectrum of that lifestyle) you just have to dress biker-ish for the event.
my first rehearsal was last monday. i walked in, not knowing anyone, in my cheer shorts, shoes, and ankle brace. everyone else was in jeans etc and was well beyond my age. my friend was not arriving until an hour after. i plopped myself on a chair and kept myself occupied on my phone. one woman looked at me and said "youre a dancer, arent you?" i replied "yes". she could tell i was a dancer she said by my physique. i got a few more comments about how "thin" i am. ed was soaking that up.
it was a two hour long rehearsal. i had a blast. i left there on cloud nine. an instant high. i used to dance for 4-6 hours when i cheered. so needless to say after 2, i wanted more..and more..and more. there is the all or nothing thinking.
i didnt go to rehearsal the next night because i had to go to the dentist. last week was full of stress, and i went out to the bar way more than i shouldve. i indulged on drinks, restricted my intake, and basically had no fuel to run on. here we go again...
when i woke up yesterday, i could tell my body was hating what i was doing to it. my throat was extremely sore. i was lethargic and had no interest in doing anything, including nourishing my body. i have been getting contusions all over my legs and arms from restricting and i missed rehearsal again last night..and tonight.
i met with my T tonight and she pointed out to me that ED is winning again. that my eating disorder is getting in the way of something i love, dance, yet again. all of my energy is going into going out partying and not fueling my body the way i should instead of being healthy and spending time on things i enjoy that are positive. this cannot be happening. i cannot start unraveling. but how do i make it stop? i KNOW what i have to do. but i am too exhausted to fight the battle...
every time i drink, restrict, purge, or pop a pill, ED wins and my health diminishes. i have to say "fuck you" to him and shoo him away before he consumes every moment of my life again.
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