update 4.3.12

i noticed i havent written an actual post in a bit. i guess i have been having difficulty expressing my thoughts and feeling as of late.

after my trip to long island where i spoke for NEDA week i was in a great mood. it was almost like i was high on life, like i was unstoppable. it is an amazing feeling to make a difference in someones life and to share your story, journey, and struggles. a few days after returning home, i began to slowly decline. i think part of it was maybe i was not ready to tackle such things as speaking engagements. i also think some of the underlying issues with my dad were creeping up. i didnt get to see him in long island; actually he is MIA and no one knows where he is which is concerning.

i started restricting my intake again. brekkie is my all time favorite meal of the day because i usually have a nice bowl of oats (as you have seen pictures in the past). i would wake up, have a nice large coffee and not eat. skipping breakfast turned into skipping breakfast AND lunch. and so on. last week i began engaging in other ED behaviors that i havent done since 2009. and i decided to email my N and tell her i needed to take a step back from nutritional counseling. that i was not following her professional advice and did not want to waste her time. her response was "please think carefully about the direction you are choosing" i know that it is my disorder trying to creep in, which is scary. i hate my eating disorder. but i love it at the same time. over the past week i have looked to behaviors as my means of coping. as ways of stuffing down my feelings. i have gone back to weighing myself every day. that number in the morning depicts how my day will go. & we all know that number is NEVER low enough. my T did not like my decision and i am waiting for my N nd her  to speak sometime this week to one another.

another thing that has been quite triggering is some of my coworkers. i know that some people are not educated about ED so i am trying to not be so harsh. but i would hope that people would be more mindful of what they say. i have had comments made about my lunch, how small and "healthy" it is, that i wont gain weight on that. ive had a coworker of mine in FRONT of my boss "out" me when it comes to ED and my addictions. to people who do not struggle with addictions, i am sure it is no big deal to talk about losing weight, what they eat, working out. but some people just have a serious problem with verbal diarrhea.

today i am seeing my cardiologist after finding an abnormality in my EKG. i have looked up the condition and my anxiety is through the roof right now. i am terrified i did this to myself. that i have damaged my heart like i have my bones. and if i did, i know have to live with that terrible feeling of guilt and shame. i usually take out my shame & guilt on myself. "The hallmark of addiction is shame. Shame is the psychological propellant for all addictive and abusive behavior. Shame is the feeling or idea or the belief that I’m not okay just the way that I am and that if you really knew me, and you really saw me, that you wouldn’t love me. It is the haunting, the universal haunting of the universal mind and spirit of the addicted."

 

i guess this is just a bump in the road. one of many. i need to think of it this way: never do something permanently stupid because of a temporary problem. i seriously hope i can get a handle on this before i start snowballing like i have many times before. it is a constant battle everyday. some days i think i look grotesque and others i give a "thumbs up" and sort of like how i look. just taking it one day at a time.