this morning after learning some news that made my heart heavy, i reluctantly stepped on the scale. i knew that the number i saw wouldnt be good enough but i felt the compulsion to. yup..the number was too high in my mind. ed immediately was telling me "you are so fat. look at your stomach and thighs..you have rolls. that is disgusting. you need to lose weight and get to XX lbs" ugh i hate my internal dialogue.
the last thing i want to do is eat. i already feel so bloated and have been wearing my teds to help with my edema. im not hungry but know i SHOULD eat. i have to muster up the motivation to put something in my mouth.
my friends want to go to hartford tonight and im thinking "you will look ugly in anything you put on. you will never find someone to love you..you are damaged" the last thing i want to do is go out, but if i dont, i will be isolating and sitting in my self pity.
somehow, i have to get over this bump in the road. not let it effect my recovery. but it is just so damn hard.
love you girlie. i was just complaining about body image today. it sucks, but we have to accept that our perceptions are not reality. don't let that number stop you from loving life... you are more than a body, and your body is more than a number. we give the scale so much power, and yet ultimately it tells us NOTHING of importance. why let it dictate our emotions when it's a piece of plastic/metal/shit? you are a beautiful girl. you deserve to have fun and to be with friends. go out and enjoy yourself and try not to think about your body because you deserve better. <3
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