twenty twelve

today is the first day of twenty twelve. it is a new beginning, a clean slate. a time to make resolutions and changes in your life, for the better. two thousand & eleven was the year from living hell. i lost everything i wanted in my life and anorexia became who i am. it separated me from family, friends, and showing up for life. it creates a world of isolation that is hard to get out of.

last night instead of going out (which was the best choice for me) i stayed the night at my aunts house. a few of us family members got together to celebrate. lots of food. at first, they were enjoying steamers and shrimp. i sat there in my chair watching them eat as i do not and never have eaten seafood. then the entree came out and i allowed myself to eat. i didnt really enjoy it and the guilt came over me. my aunts cousins left around 930 pm and my aunt and uncle said they might go to bed before midnight. my first thought was "i am going to spend the first moments of a new year by myself" luckily, they managed to stay awake to ring in the new year. they went to bed and i was left to be stuck in my head. to have those negative thoughts flood in and feeling like i was gasping for air. i finally fell asleep at 230..

my point being is, i want this year to be different. i find myself dreaming about a life that doesnt include my eating disorder. i want to be in a relationship, get married, have children. and i cannot do that when i am married to my eating disorder. it is going to be incredibly hard to start this journey of recovery. but i have to do it. it is no longer a choice.

so here is to twenty twelve, kiddos!