snow snow snow.

today is the first real snowfall of the winter and we are getting a blizzard. 16-20 inches. i had to work today. there is no way around it because residential is a 24/7 job. i was in ct for christmas so i left my mom's house 3 hours before my shift. needless to say, i was not prepared for what i was getting into.

it is 945. i got here at 3. i have been shoveling every 2 hours. so by midnight, i will have shoveled for 4+ hours. no bueno. i saw my N last week and lost weight for the second week. if i lose again this week, my school will be notified. i am terrified that all of this "exercise" is going to ruin everything. of course, ed loves it. he says, "think of how many calories you are burning right now for every shovel full you pick up." my mom's ex boyfriend has offered to pick me up from work because he has an SUV and bring me back to get my car in the morning. of course, knowing me, i will attempt, notice the word attempt, to drive home. i dont like to ask for help and i dont like to lose my pride. i feel like if i have him drive me home i am somehow failing. its like i am giving up and saying i cant do it. ed will scream "look you are a failure. you had to have someone bring you home because you are such a weak person." when in reality it is probably the smart thing to do.

as i was shoveling snow, i could feel myself feeling faint. my hands are shaking (not from being cold) and i can just feel myself expending too much energy. i did fairly well over the holiday eating wise, despite my controlling mother who was flipping out at every little tiny thing...that adds to my stress. i am surprised i didnt pop 500 valium. i only had one "meal" today and that is probably why i feel faint. i know i should eat but i have that voice in my head telling me not to. telling me if i eat, i will have failed. it is a never ending battle.

eating to other people is so normal. but to people like me, it is such a battle every second of everyday. we are constantly thinking about food. whether to eat it or not. what is healthy or not healthy. what is good. what is bad. no one really can truly understand how much eating disorders take a toll on you.

i have 3 days to get my weight back up to at least "maintain" where i was at. i HAVE to eat. i have to drink ensures. i have to do anything and everything so my school is not going to be called. i have to use school as a motivation. i want to go back so badly. i want to get my degree and have a life outside of this stupid disorder :/ because it really isnt a life. anorexia has literally eaten away at my life literally and figuratively. i have lost so much and have risked my health. rationally i see it, but irrationally anorexia wants to stay. i have to kick this thing in the ass once and for all. otherwise, i will never move on, i will be sucked into the quicksand and i cant afford that.

sorry for the negativity, i needed to vent.

i am so very tired and weak from shoveling and i have 2 more hours of work and then shovel at home to get in my driveway. lordy, help me.

love you all,

lis