grateful.

in the past 24 hours a million different emotions have flooded through me. sadness, anger, self loathing, feeling lost and alone to name a few. tonight i sit here and i am grateful for an opportunity i was given.

i truly believe everything happens for a reason. and tonight proved that...

throughout the day, kristina wandzilak and i messaged back and forth on facebook about meeting. she said that she would have to get back to me later in the afternoon as she was unsure of her schedule. around 6 pm she said she was at the hotel in the airport and when could i get there. i immediately responded saying i live 20 minutes away and will leave in 5 minutes.

the car ride there i was so very nervous. i had the air conditioning on to keep my makeup melting off of my face. as i approached the airport exit, my stomach in knots from nervousness, a sense of calmness came over me.

i walked into the lobby of the sheraton and did not see kristina. i asked the front desk to call her and tell her that her guest was here. no one answered. i sat in the starbucks lobby for a few minutes then decided to jump on the computer and send her a message. i said "i am in the starbucks lobby =]" some of the conversations that i refer to in this post may not be the exact words as i am not as elegant with words as she.

as she walked up to me smiling, i suddenly was nervous all over again. she hugged me and sat down. i could feel the warmth coming over my face. i couldnt believe that she was sitting in front of me. why did she take time out of her schedule to meet with me? that i will not know, but i am forever grateful. she even said "this is crazy. we have been facebooking back and forth and now here we are meeting.."

we talked for about 45 minutes about addiction, her story, as well as mine. she gave me words of encouragement and said "I believe in you. I believe you will make a difference in people's lives. I have sat with you for only 30 minutes and I see a beautiful, intelligent woman who is strong." she teared up a few times telling me her story of how addiction took over her life...she is just like me. all of us addicts are alike, whether it is food, or not food, drugs, alcohol. they are all addictions. and it is with those addictions that can leave us lost and with feelings of despair.

i told her that i do not know who i am without my eating disorder and she said "sometimes it is okay to be identity-less." this resonated with me. i look in the mirror and do not know the woman who stands before me. i cannot recognize myself and i hope that one day that will change as i begin to let go of my anorexia...she could relate because sometimes as she said "when I look in the mirror I can still see that lost, angry, addict."

as we continued to talk, i felt more comfortable and opened up to her about my struggles. she didnt judge me. she saw my strength and said "you can do this. i know you can."

we did not only talk about addiction, there were some random questions thrown in there and some laughter along the way. she asked me "how do you survive the cold here?" i said "i hate it. i want to move south. sometimes it gets to -10 below" she said "i can visit the cold but could never live there because when i was homeless i lived in the freezing cold." she also told me how she tells her 10 year old son and her 8 year old daughter about her addiction. they know what she does for a living and that she helps families who are sick. she says, "mom is allergic to alcohol. it makes her sick. it made your granddaddy sick, it made your great granddaddy sick, and chances are, son, it will make you sick...but we will cross that bridge when we get there." what she wants to say is that "i am allergic to it like Savanahh is allergic to strawberries....she breaks out in hives, i break into houses..but i have to wait a little longer, like ten years and then it will be funny." i am saving it such a unique way of telling them. she said that SHE wants to be the one to tell them her story, to hear it from her and for them to eventually read The Lost Years.

as our conversation ended because she had a phone call to make, i asked her 2 favors. to sign my book and take a picture with me. she was happy to do both.

i will forever cherish those 45 minutes. they gave me hope that there is a better life. that i can overcome my demons and see the beauty in life. she told me the secret to staying sober is "one day at a time". i always thought this was such a lame slogan but right now it rings true. last night i was sobbing myself to sleep after losing the one thing that mattered to me. i could have stayed in bed all day and chosen the path of darkness but instead i got out of bed and went about my day. that is what i need to do each and every day. she said one day turns into 30. 30 turns into 60. 60 turns into 90. and 90 turns into a year. you just have to take it one day at a time.

as i got onto the elevator to go back to my car i was like "did that really just happen to me?" i was in shock to have this wonderful woman take her time to sit and speak with me. she inspired me to be something better and i will never forget that moment.

so my beautiful friends, when you find yourself feeling like you have been kicked to the ground, the wind knocked out of you and that you feel like you cannot get back up, just remember there is a better life. just take it..one day at a time.

today i am sober and i am grateful for that. i will continue to move onward and upward (as kw says.)

lis