the clock reads 3:53 am and i am still awake. my anxiety has my head running a mile a minute. i have so much anxiety that i dont know what to do with it..so what did i do? i went to CVS and bought hair dye and dyed my hair...red highlights like my senior year. i am feeling thousands of different feelings and i am going to try and put them into words.
it is a little more than a couple of days past 3 months since i was served with papers regarding my medical leave. what have i done in those 3 months you ask? NOTHING. nada. zilch. i am stagnant. in those 3 months i have not contacted a single treatment facility for an evaluation. i have watched myself go in a downward spiral, come back up a little bit, but then plateau..
tuesday the fall semester begins. freshman are already on campus experiencing the most amazing experience they will never forget. one of my very best friends will be starting her senior year. and me? i dont know. i want to go back to school so very badly but deep down i dont know if i can do what is asked of me. some say "fake it until you make it". i would have to fake it for a year or more...
i am finding myself feeling so very alone. i dont really have any friends. my family barely speaks to me...and when i am with them i feel as if i am in the background, just watching them. as if i am separate. i have my SO, and we have our good days and our bad just like any other relationship. but ultimately i have..nothing. my eating disorder has taken all of that away from me. you would think that would motivate me to change. but yet it makes me want to cling on for dear life.
i feel as if i am a constant burden to everyone however i also feel unnoticed. i only cause pain, suffering, and frustration for others. my behaviors push people further away from me, causing my fears of abandonment to become a reality. i have done things i feel such shame and guilt for. some things people know. some no one knows. and that shame and guilt is eating me alive. i constantly feel like i dont belong. i dont fit in. i am that piece of the puzzle that is jagged, edgy. just doesnt fit right. i guess thats what anorexia does.
my depression causes me to isolate and then my isolation causes me to become more depressed. it is a vicious cycle that i cannot stop. maybe recovery isnt in the cards for me. that i do not know. from what i have seen so far is i am self destructive, selfish, manipulative, and cause nothing but pain and anguish. i often think...what is my purpose? i feel as if i am just floating. going nowhere.
later on that day...
despite feeling so incredibly negative last night (well really this morning) i was incredibly excited for today. today i was going to meet my SO daughter. the plan was to go shopping and get her ears pierced (2nd holes and cartilidge) as her birthday is on labor day. i cannot tell you how much fun i had. it was nice to be able to laugh, shop (of course my favorite past time) and we even went out to lunch! i found it very easy to relate to my SO's daughter as we are not far apart in age but just enough that there is a generation gap. after my lovely afternoon, it was time for me to go to work. yipeee. wish i couldve spent all day with them.
this is where i begin to flip out inside. i am doing my shift change (counting money and medicaitons) with the 1st shift staff person and he says something along the lines of that i have a "roll" and how he finds it ironic since everyone wants me to gain X amount of lbs. still. i didnt dare respond to him verbally because i think i wouldve ripped him a new one. instead i sat there, ignored it and went about my job. after he left i when i started to flip. especially since i had just eaten lunch not less than 2 hours prior and ate more than i have in quite awhile. ed crept in "see people are like...oh god, she has a gut. look at that..." my ultimate fear is to say that i have "rolls". it is so bad and shallow to say this but i truly am afraid of obsese people. i fear that one day i will lose control and be like them. i see them in clothes that are definitely not the right size and immediately cringe. is that what i look like now?..since i have what he called a "roll"? is my distorted perception of myself really not distorted at all??
and what angers me the most is my coworker knows about my eating disorder and how much i continue to struggle. but yet he makes these remarks. i dont know if it is out of stupidity and forgetfulness or if he is trying to make it seem positive and i am taking it the wrong way. either way...it inappropriate. yet i dont have the balls enough to say anything. le sighhh. to top it off...i stupidly decided to look up the calories of the lunch i had today. bad idea. along with what i ate when i came to work. that comment fueled my eating disorder so much...and yet i cant let it. i cant hold on and let go at the same time...it's like you cant have your cake and eat it too. sorry for the pun....
i was in such a great mood prior coming to work and now i am just..blah. i have been working hard all week on setting goals for myself regarding my life and general and recovery and after this comment i just feel like running back to my anorexia. my safe haven. how can one little comment do so much damage? it's like that saying
"sticks & stones may break her bones but words could make her starve to death"
ok, so literally an hour after i posted this blog one of my dear friends from renfrew sent me a message on faceybook stating: "i am just about to tell you something that you do not want to hear, but i was looking at some pictures and you are beautiful...but kinda looking not that 'healthy' if you know what i mean." i dont know what or who to believe. i know that if another eating disorder patient is telling me that i look sick, that has to mean something. but in my mind (the ed part) is like "you think i look unhealthy now...just wait and i will prove you." and then there is another part of me that just thinks i look like a big fat fat fat cow. i feel so incredibly fucked up in the head it isnt even funny.
words are very powerful. often more powerful and hurtful than actions. i have a lot of thinking to do. and yet my brain need a rest because i am always thinking....okay i dont even know if any of this has made any sense..
have a wonderful labor day weekend, my beautiful friends...
lis
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