i have so much to say & dont even know where to start. thats nothing new, non?
last night was not one of my better nights. i worked 4-12 am and during my shift my SO were texting back & forth (as we usually do) and it basically almost came down to me losing the one person i care the most about in this world. i am not going to go into detail because it is not fair to them nor i to discuss our personal matters for the entire world to read. during the conversation my ED voice immediately came in..."you're so worthless, no one will love you, you are so ugly, you're unreliable, selfish"..and so on and so on. i even sat down and made a list of all the things ED was telling me (just to get them out on paper and out of my head) and i filled an entire page. i am sure if i kept at it i couldve filled about 3 or 4 more pages.
i remember being filled with deepened sadness. the sadness where you feel as if someone is sticking a knife into your heart, twisting it, and ripping it down the middle of your core. my anxiety was through the roof and i could not sit still. my mind was racing...something was said that stuck with me. as you all know, i tend to push people away as a defense mechanism. i dont let people too close for fear of getting hurt. this is what was said... "so you do everything to make me want to leave...so your fears come true and your addictions stay alive." this one sentence floored me. i have been doing this for years and years. it has become such a pattern in my interpersonal relationships and that is why i have so many failed ones. but i want this one to be different. i am in the most amazing, world-spinning, stomach-dropping, breath-stealing relationship...needless to say, we both went to bed without a solution to the problem(s).
we were planning on meeting today at noon to go to the nooner at the serenity club. at first things were awkward between us. i didnt know what to say, what to do, how to act. i didnt know if a hug or a kiss was appropriate. we sat inside and picked a seat in the middle. i love these nooner meetings because the speakers are always so profound and their stories are so touching. at one point, i noticed my SO tearing up and something hit home. i immediately put my arm around the chair and was trying to be as supportive as positive. after the meeting was done, we talked for a good 30-40? minutes. it was awkward at first but then felt like nothing had come between us....like all was right in the world. when we look each other in the eyes its as if nothing else in the world exists and time just stops...
i guess what i am getting at is i not only went to the rooms today to be a support for my SO but i went for lisa. i went because i know i NEED support. as much as i can get.
onto another topic...i am so not liking this remeron that my psych put me on. i feel like my ED behaviors have completely shifted which i guess could be a good thing??? yes, i have gained weight but i find myself thinking about food all the time (which is no different than before) but it is different because i find myself wanting to eat anything and everything. it is incredibly scary, unfamiliar, terrifying. i even have caught myself sneaking other peoples food and that is something that i would not normally do with my eating disorder. i am at a very uncomfortable place right now with my body but i am trying to accept it. because i know that i am not at a healthy weight whether ED tells me i am or that i could lose a few lbs. i know that i have to get back to tx sooner rather than later. i guess my eating disorder is making excuses and wanting to get off of this medication because of the fear of losing control. indulging in something is not going to kill me (at least if it is in moderation). it is just a new behavior for me. i have always eaten my food secretively (mostly at night) but not in these portions. i feel out of control. like i cant stop. i am not even hungry and i keep going. this could be good. or it could be bad. who knows. only time will tell...
le sigh. i am tired. it has been a long day. & time to give my clients their meds.
love times infinity,
lis
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