4.26.10

i hate it when my mind keeps going and doesnt stop. when thought after thought after thought come in and out or when i just obsess about one particular thing.

well at this moment...i have a ridiculous amount of things on my mind. and yet, i cannot seem to formulate a sentence never mind a post about them. i wish i could spit the words out because i need some direction and advice. but i cant. so much has changed in my life in the past few weeks and it is a lot to take in. there are a lot of decisions to be made. decisions that ultimately change the course of my life. decisions that make or break me...

i was pushing on through this upping my calories and then once i got my period my ed used that as an excuse to restrict because i was in pain and had no appetite. so now i am essentially back to where i was. ok, not RIGHT where i was behavior wise, but still i took at least one step backwards. this is incredibly frustrating. i am so incredibly ambivalent about recovery. it changes with everyday. every meal. every moment. sometimes i want a better life and other times i am holding onto my eating disorder with dear life. because it is familiar. comforting. safe. i have things going on in my life that are completely unfamiliar and different and i am not sure how to exactly deal/cope with them. i am faced with making adult decisions and finding myself wanting to revert back to being taken care of and having my decisions made for me, because that was so much easier.

as all of you know, i am under a contract with my school to be medically monitored by them. i never told you the specifics so here they are...

• Weekly weight checks (wearing a gown) and medical monitoring through the Springfield College Health Center
• Weight gain of 1-2 lbs per week
• Punctual arrival to scheduled appointments at the Springfield College health center
• Weekly psychotherapy
• Medication management through an off-campus psychiatric nurse practitioner
• Adherence with the current medication regimen
• Failure to comply with the above stated expectations of indications of medical instability will result in a mandatory medical leave.

now that is a lot to take in, correct? i almost feel like i have to be the "perfect" patient and comply 100% completely and perfectly with these expectations. no wiggle room. i also feel like i have to follow these guidelines for the next year and then i graduate..then what? will i relapse because no one is watching me and there are no consequences? as sad as that sounds, i honestly believe that. right now i am doing this for them. not for lisa. i am doing this to stay in school..all for the wrong reasons. its just so...frustrating to essentially be forced to give up your "best friend" of 10 years.

my whole life i have been known as the "skinny one" but the past few years or so, i have been defined by my anorexia. at this very moment i do not know who i am without it. who is lisa? what does lisa like? that i cannot answer. the last 10+years of my life has been dictated by rules of what i can and cannot eat and what i can and cannot do. as i am fighting these rules and guidelines that my eating disorder has set it is getting very angry with me. i am finding a certain situation in my life resembles this immensely. it is having me question every fiber of my being. my thoughts, feelings, actions, who i am. it is scary...incredibly scary. and yet i am not allowed to fall back on to my eating disorder for comfort. well i guess i am in a sense. ultimately it is MY choice to follow the guidelines the college has set. but there are consequences that come with those choices. but what i want in my future depends on whether i choose to follow those guidelines or not. i want to get my degree and begin a wonderful career and build a family. with all of that, there is no room for my eating disorder. but i so wish there could be...

i am putting myself into a tizzy right now writing this, so i am going to head off.

love you lots and lots,

lis