i noticed that a lot of my friends are blogging and i thought to myself "what a great way to get my thoughts out..almost like journaling". so i am finding myself creating this blog to explore my thoughts and feelings.
i have been struggling lately with my ED. things seemed to be going well until i got mono and was out of commission for a little while. then ED decided it would be a good time to take over. throughout the months of this semester my weight has fluctuated and now i am at a lower weight than when i went to renfrew in 2008. my ed thoughts are getting stronger and stronger each day and are louder than ever. ed says "you aren't good at anything. you fail at everything you try. but losing weight...you're good at that". or "you don't need anyone but me. i can be your support. im not going to go anywhere like everyone else". as much as i don't want to relapse, it is appealing which scares me.
i had therapy last week and my T says it seems like we are stuck. well no shit sherlock, i am stuck. i am so incredibly ambivalent about recovery. part of me wants to be healthy and graduate with my masters, have kids and such, and then there's this other part of me, a MUCH bigger part that wants to play the "sick" role and be taken care of. i find myself isolating more and more and it is just me & ed..all alone. i look back to where i was back in april after 3 months of tx and i was happy. i was finishing school (even though i was on med leave), graduating that spring, and just living the senior life. now i see myself slipping back into old habits and restricting myself in more ways than just eating.
i often wonder what it is like on the other side. recovery, i mean. will i always be haunted with this disease? will there always be a part of me that will never be comfortable with food? one of my best friends is in recovery and she still struggles but everyday she makes a conscious effort to choose recovery. because when we are entrenched in ed nothing else matters. and right now, i am entrenched. deeply.
but on a happier note, i have not had to visit the dean yet this semster WOOOHOO and the semester ends next tues for me. i guess i just have to look at my accomplishments and see where i want to go in my future. because i certainly cannot reach my dreams with ed by my side. hope you all are having a splendid monday.
xoxo
Lisa!
ReplyDelete:) i was so happy to read this and see you made a blog! I think it will definitely help you a lot!
i know exactly how you feel, while reading this i could relate so much, almost as if i was reading my own words. The ED thoughts that come in, those mean, abusive, destructive things, ED uses to try to entice us and make us feel like listening and 'giving in' is the right thing and the only thing to make us happy: so many times i have felt this exact same way. so stuck! !! BUT there is always a way out of this dark hole, of an ed. always! and i believe in you so much! no matter how deeply entrenched you feel! there is always hope.
love you lots and lots!! stay strong lisa!
and yes, yes!! :) look at ur accomplishments! you have so many wonderful things going outside of your ed!
xoxxoxox
maya
Clearly I'm not studying for my final and was really hoping St. Jude's had been updated :) yay.
ReplyDeleteI often wonder about recovery too. Does recovery just mean I'm not acting on these symptoms? I also know someone who has been in recovery for a while, and says she is so much better, at a healthy weight etc. but she still says she's going to starve herself each day. But then she makes an effort not to. I don't want to make an effort to be healthy. I just want to be like all my non ED friends and have it be natural. But I don't see how it could ever be. That discourages me so much. Though I suppose at this point, it would be nice if it were just in my head instead of in my head and physically acting on them. I think?
I'm so sorry you got mono again :( I know that really did hinder the progress you were making. I knew you were struggling love but I had no idea you had slipped to a pre-frew weight. I know it is really hard to focus on getting better when you also have school to focus on. Coming to college was the downfall of my life. This is such a stressful time and ED is such a "good" coping mechanism. I can completely relate on the stuck feeling. My T keeps saying that too, and now Shaun is also. It makes me feel so shitty. All of my friends seem to be moving forward and I'm stuck? Whyyyy.
But it does make me happy to hear you haven't had to visit the dean this semester! I know the past two semesters that was so hard on you. Trying to reach out or help, and having it bite you in the ass. Hopefully break will make things easier. Don't stay alone with ED. You know he likes that. But I know YOU like going out and taking cute pictures with her friends :) I lovee you <3