heartache

tonight i was sitting on the couch, deep in my thoughts. my mind going in every direction. my heart aching..an ache that has been there for so long. it has subsided but then comes back a million times worse. i was reading through one of my fellow bloggers and her post cut me to the core. it explained how i feel down to the T. so i will leave you with this...

in terms of the break-up of a relationship, i think a lot depends on the type of loss. there’s the definitive, single fate-sealing event type of loss. one explosive moment. the heart breaks – one quick snap – and then you start learning how to get over one another and move on. when the smoke clears, you find that the rubble has blocked off all return paths. there is no going back. the only way to move is onward. and left with no other choices, you do just that.

but when the unraveling is slow, the pain accumulates every day. even when things seem to plateau, the sadness still manages to grow steadfastly. you wake up in the middle of the night breathless and sweating, sure that This Is It and the relationship you were sure was The One is truly falling apart right before your eyes.

you start to idly wonder what it will be like, no longer being half of something. because even though you rarely talk or see each other now, the constant ache in your gut tells you that you’re still in this. for better or for worse, that’s the strongest sign that you’re still invested – pain that won’t go away. because you feel like a piece of you is dying. and you know that the only way to make the pain stop is to revive that piece or to molt it completely.

but you keep hanging on. because even though things are shit, the thought of either of you making that final move of severance makes your heart grind to a halt, whisks the air from your lungs. you hang on because as long as you do, there is a sliver of hope that you can resuscitate the part of your soul that has been in so much pain as it tries desperately to cling to what was and stretch to what is.

it’s times like these that the loss drains the life from your veins. “anything would be better than this,” you think. “anything.”