as you can tell i took a break from writing on this blog. i began a downward spiral and had to get some help. i spent 3 weeks in IP and a month doing PHP and IOP. i was motivated to change. i worked the program and did everything my team told me to do. i surrendered to the treatment process.
i am two weeks fully out of treatment. i found myself slipping as my treatment was winding down. so many feelings and emotions have come up and i simply want to numb them out. my thoughts race and i replay events that have happened in the past like a movie, as if they happened yesterday. i dont know if it is a touch of ptsd but i cant seem to let these things go. they are what is holding me back from my recovery. if i dont deal with these core issues, i wont grow in my recovery.
i restored about X lbs in treatment. not very much as my body went into a hyper-metabolic state. i finished EVERY meal and supplement and it wasnt enough. i had such stomach pains symethicone became my friend.
since i left renfrew things have been ehhh..okay i guess. they could be much better. i still have so much work to do. that is the thing with recovery..it is a constant process that never stops. it can be tiring but rewarding at the same time.
today i came to the reality that i have to change some things in my life. not necessarily by choice but because of other peoples actions. it leaves me with an intense fear and obsessive thoughts. how will i get through this? my answer is one day at a time. i cannot worry about tomorrow or next week. i need to focus on the here and now.
along with the events in my past, i hold onto dates like nobody's business. it is these anniversaries that cause and incredible amount of anxiety. it becomes paralyzing. one of those dates is fast approaching and my goal is to not let it snowball my recovery downwards. it will be hard. nobody said it would be easy. but i need to try with all of my soul...
...because i am sick and tired of being sick and tired.
lis
Hi Lisa, I am so glad to see that you have been doing treatment. I know how hard it is and that the hardest is when you come home and have to do it for yourself for real. Know if you ever need a helping hand, I am here. Those anniversaries can be the worst. Think though, if we let them get the best of us, we are allowing them to hurt us all over again. Their abuse and hurt may have ended, but we picked up where they left off and often we are worse abusers than they ever were. May I offer a suggestion. Could you celebrate this anniversary instead of dreading it. First plan something to take care of Lisa that day. Make it Lisa day. You survived the first time and that shows the strength and courage you have within you. Celebrate this. Second make it a good-bye celebration. Say good-bye to all the hurts of the day and the memories. Perhaps write a letter and burn it, or bury it, or something that makes it special but says good-bye. And celebrate the wonderfulness of you. I know this is hard and it is a perfect day to ask for support either through therapy or friends. I never have any thing to do so if you would ever like to have some support don't hesitate to ask. It is through our hardships that we become the strong, amazing women that we are.
ReplyDeleteThanks hun. I ended up sleeping most of the day and am leaving for work soon for the evening. The way I am trying to think of this is an amazing experience happened one year ago tomorrow because of that anniversary that today is (lol does that make sense?). that is the only way i know how to deal with this. the day is only 24 hours long then it ends. i have 10 more hours to go and will be busy those 10 hours.
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