what do you do?

i have always been one to preach "stay authentic and true to yourself" or "secrets keep you sick". i kept my eating disorder a secret for about 9 years and when i finally broke down and told my family, they didnt believe me/stopped talking to me. to this day, my relationship with family members is not the same and it is 3 years later...

so what do you do when you are holding onto a secret that could change your life and other people's lives forever? what do you do when this secret is eating you alive (no pun intended) and it is draining you emotionally? i have no answers to these questions. i wish i did. because then my life would be so much easier. my anxiety is constantly high surrounding this issue and to put it simply, life is not fair. i guess who said it really was?

i am now in tx for the 7th time and i feel like some things have changed, but when i am out of program at the end of the day or for the weekend, i do not have the self discipline to follow a meal plan. the last morsel of food i put into my mouth today was at 1245ish. it is now 10 pm. that is about 9 hours. not good. and i am aware of that. i am mentally and emotionally drained. i kept nodding off in group and left program early to get more sleep before work. i feel like putting on my sneakers and running. far away. i feel like discharging myself because i am wasting people's time but then where will i be? right back where i started. i dont want to live this way anymore. but it is so hard to let go. and this secret i refer to is making it that much more difficult to recover because i feel like i will disappoint people even more and be deemed the black sheep (i already am). i simply just dont know. and i dont know if i ever will.

i know none of this probably makes sense but i needed to get it off my chest, even just a little bit. so thanks for reading...