loss of passion.

tonight i looked at old cheerleading videos from when i was a cheerleader at springfield college and on the western mass semi-pro cheerleading team..i suddenly realized i lost both because of my eating disorder. i have lost so much and yet, i hold on to it.

i loved dancing and cheering. within 6 months of learning how to stunt (which i had never done before) i became a semi-professional cheerleader. i still remember the try-outs vividly. i remember being so nervous. we had to learn an entire dance in only one day and then perform it in front of the coach and 2 other dancers. i remember messing up but yet made the squad. maybe because the coach was already the coach of SC cheerleaders. to this day i do not know. i remember cheering for both teams. games for both teams. competition routines for WMSW. and i lost it all because of my eating disorder..

i became too weak to stunt. i could no longer hold my own weight when doing simple warmups. i couldnt hold a cradle. i was exhausted. i was restricting so badly to the point where i could not remember where i parked my car each day..but yet, i still went on because it was my passion..my constant. i now am looking back on videos and realizing that i wasnt the flyer anymore. i was simply the spotter...the one who made sure the flyer was safe. my dignity was gone.

i was in only one competition until springfield college and walden behavioral care essentially "made" me quit. they knew i wasnt healthy enough to endure 5+ hours of cheerleading. and yes, they were right, to a degree. i remember telling my coach days before our next competition that i could not be a part of the team and then the routine had to change. i felt such shame and guilt. i felt like i let the team down. i lost my passion simply because i could not take care of myself.

i regret deeply the choices i made. there is open practice on monday nights beginning in january and i want to participate but i feel like i will not be able to be "up to par" with the other girls. it has been 2 years since i cheered. i have not done any physical activity since and i dont know if i could endure the overwhelming amount of physical standards that would be expected.

watching those videos makes me sad and angry. i let my anorexia take over my life. i lost my family, my friends, dancing, cheerleading, school, and so many other things. it was/is the only thing i can control. yet, it has robbed me of the things i love the most.

i am so conflicted and looking back at those videos brings back so many horrid memories. i dont know why i watched them, but i did. i see how i was the smallest of the squad, hence my nickname "p-nut". you can see that i stand out from everyone else because i am so thin. in some pictures on my computer, you can see how sick i was. and yet, my eating disorder loves it. however i dont. i dont want to be the girl who is anorexic. i want to be the girl who recovers and gets her life back. i am just not sure how to go about that.

i will leave you with this...do not let your eating disorder or other addictions take over you're life. i did and i have lost so much. i regret so much and feel such shame and guilt. you dont have to. you can get through this and you can fight. so fight the battle.

love always,

lis