stressed oh you tee.

saturday night...hmmm and what am i doing? cleaning my house. i worked a women's basketball game today at school and let me tell you, that was BORING. however, i came home to take a 20 minute power nap and then head to my aunt's house for my uncle's (pops) birthday dinner. i was excited because i got to see my nugget. if you dont know me by now, my nugget is my niece. she is the most adorable thing and makes my heart melt. while i was there, my cousins and i had planned to make pops dinner. i was a little anxious about this but figured i needed to be calm and collective for my family's sake. first, i was in charge of the cake. then somehow i became in charge of the entree. dont get me wrong, i LOVE to cook...but only for other people. i get pleasure and enjoyment out of cooking for others and seeing them eat. somehow, it makes me feel better. but i had to eat too. needless to say, my anxiety was high. but i got through it.

i came back to my house after running some errands and became extremely stressed oh you tee. i found out that our gas bill was $90 each this month. yikes! how am i going to afford this? right now i have a part time job at school that only pays $8 an hour and i barely work. i rely solely on my mother to pay my bills which are usually $750-800 a month. and i feel so guilty. she has done so much for me already and i hate taking her money. but, she cannot pay her bills and mine much longer. immediately i began to freak out. of course ed chimed in and was like "cut back on therapy. you dont need it. you have me. she is only going to make you fat anyways." or he would say "i am here for you to relieve your anxiety. if you just use behaviors you will feel so much better." lately, i have had such a positive outlook on recovery and life and i feel like tonight it went down the tubes...

i am wondering...can i handle being an adult? my anorexia has kept me in such a dependent state and often we are stuck emotionally at the age that our ED began. which would be 12 or younger for me. i am independent in many aspects but find comfort in being taken care of. the idea of going out into the "real world" is so scary to me. i am afraid of failing and falling flat on my face. and right now, i feel as if i cannot hold my own. i cant pay my bills, buy books for the upcoming semester, i cant even buy groceries which makes recovery even harder. *sighhh*

i know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. it just seems as if this tunnel is never ending...

i'm sorry for being so negative tonight :/ i just feel so lost and the stress and anxiety is getting to me. i just have to keep going everyday and i have things to look forward to. i am having a girls day with one of my lovely friends tomorrow and i am excited. we are going to the mall (my favorite place) and doing some retail therapy. hopefully, this will get my mind off of things. i cant buy much, obviously, but i do have a gift card to my favorite store: hollister.

when all came lost;♥
I stared at defeat and found hope.

i feel a little better as i have vented through my bloggie. i am just crossing my fingers that something will come through for me...

your forever friend

lis